robbie

im so fusturated and angry and just gahhhhhhh. i want to reconnect with robbie i do but what am i suppose to say, hey robbie i know you totally ditched me as a friend exactly when i needed you most but can we please please please still be friends forget all the hurtful stuff i said i was just angry with absolutely not reason, you had every right to abandon me even though i had been nothing but a good friend so can we just forget this last year and be friends again??? like hell im going to say sorry to him. im so tired of every time in my life when i take a stand for my self and dont take the crap everyone else seems to want to dish me that i get this whole reputation that im the bad guy. it happens every time and it makes me so angry. like with ryan, i broke up with him because he continually hurt me in every way possible and now that we are back together and we talk about back then all that seems to come up is how much i hurt him by leaving. are u serious???? with corey, he slept with me then dumped me but in his eyes i was the freaken anti Christ because when i told his friends what he did they choose to stop talking to him. and now its the same thing with robbie, he decided to stop being my friend when i was literally at one of the worst times in my life and yet im the bad guy for being mad about it. im so tired of this crap! of course im freaken angry!!! and it pisses me off even more that no one will just admit that i have a real reason to be upset. that no one will stop acting like im over reacting and that i should just give in and go apologize for something i have no reason to apologize for. and whats more i have never gotten a sorry from robbie, hes never just admitted what he did and just truly said sorry without all the crappy excuses. i honestly feel like i could forgive him if he did that, if he just looked me in the eyes and said he was truly sorry for all that happened but i doubt that will happen because again im the bad guy.

Alaska

im scared about going to Alaska more than anything that iv ever faced in my life before. im scared to move half way around the world and to go to a place i know nothing about and to live with people i know nothing about. im honestly terrified of going. when people ask me about it i answer in very sort of clinical ways, i detach m life from the reality of what i really am going to do. but as i look at the masters commission site and i read the blogs of the students there i start to understand how out of my league it all seems. all of it seems so far above any of my understanding and im scared and dont really know what to think about my up coming trip to Wasilla. i dont know if i will be able to deal with all that God is asking me to do. i know that if God is asking me to do it he will be with me and i know that he doesnt plan on me failing but it all seems so out of my control and that scares me. i know that i am very much a control freak when it comes to the future but that seems to be the only way it doesnt scare me, if i all have to carefully controlled. its probably all part of the lesson God is trying to teach me, to hand over control to him, well its really difficult God because as much as a love you i dont trust you. thats a terrible thing to admit but its true.

about time.

i think it about time i stop comparing myself to other people. i always look other peoples facebook pages and think wow they are so amazing i wish i could be like that. and yeah they are really kool but the reason they are kool is because they are different from everyone and because they just decided to be themselves and not care what other people think and not try to be like anyone else. im never going to become some one that people look at and say wow shes really kool i wish i could be like her if im just trying to copy some one else. so its time for me to stop trying to be like them. i am me and i can be pretty kool.

if i could i would

if i could say anything to my parents it would be: trust me. i know what im doing. stop worrying about my plans and what im going to do, because i am going to be ok. God is taking care of me. i know you dont really trust that explanation but God really did tell me to go to Alaska and if he wants me there i know its going to be ok. im trusting God on this and if you cant trust him at least trust me.

pathetic

this is going to sound super pathetic but oh well i have to get my thoughts out some how or else im going to explode. i miss ryan. he's down in north Carolina for this wedding this weekend and i just miss him a lot. i feel like i havent seen him in forever even though i saw him on Thursday aka. about 3 days ago. i just miss him so much. and i guess just he's been doing alot of stuff while hes been down there so he hasnt really been able to txt a whole lot so im pretty much going crazy. i know this makes me sound really stupid and like such a teenage girl but screw it i dont care. i am a teenage girl and i miss him. i miss talking to him, i miss being around him, i just miss him. it makes me worry about when i go to Alaska. i mean if hes only one state away now and i can barley keep in contact with him and i miss him terribly how is it going to go when im on the other side of the country and in a different time zone and much busier than i am now? im so worried about it. i dont know how i am going to deal with it, i mean i guess i will be busy so it will keep my mind off it but still i feel like im going to be going crazy missing him. i miss him so much.

why?

why must he still torture me after 6 months?

Corey

does he ever think of me? cuz he always on my mind. i feel pathetic i just watched a youtube video he filmed but wasnt in so that i could hear the sound of his voice. does he ever wonder about me? dout it