worse day ever

so can i just say this has been one of the worst days ever. im seriously glad i dont have a razor blade with me. (note to self: start carrying one around) im still at school right now so the torture hasnt ended. also i have anime club after school which is going to suck. i hate being around corey right now. its so fucking painful. i hurt every time i see him, its like some one is draging a dagger through my heart. mostly it just hurts because it seems like he doesnt give a crap. im guessing he has moved on, seems like the way hes flirting with luricia (or however the hell you spell her name) that he had more reason for the break than he let on. i hate this, i put on this fake smile like everything is alright. smiles are just lies wrapped in ribbon. if i was going to let everyone know how i really feel i would be crying nonstop. i wouldnt move i would curl up in the corner and cry and scream at everyone to leave me the hell alone. i want sad music. i want to drown in an ocean of sad songs. then set the ocean on fire with heavy metal. i know that doesnt make anysense but thats how i feel right now. i couldnt explain it better if i tryed. the most fucking up part is im addicted to this pain. i want to see him because i love him. i love him even though it causes me physical pain to be around him.

help

help is the only word that i can think. i feel like I'm drowning. me and Corey are taking a break. he called it. he said he wants to figure out if what we have is real and if what we have is real love. it just confuses me. it brings to mind one of my favorite quotes:

and ever has it been that love knows not its own depth till the hour of separation

i love that quote and i know it is true but honestly its painful actually living it out. i know that i love Corey i know that. their are so many things going through my mind right now. their are two very different paths for me to choose between right now. i have no idea what to pick idk if i even get the choice.

today was awful i felt like crying every second. it got better when i got home and i was happy for alittle while talking to people and just being silly. but now as it becomes night and im all alone again i feel like im lost. when the silence of night comes i cant help but think of corey and how much i want to be with him. how much it hurts me to not be with him. i feel like im adrift in the middle of the ocean. i feel like the waves are crashing around my tiny boat and im not sure if im going to make it or not.