love

i think my worse fear is that maybe, just maybe love isn't real. well maybe not that love isn't real but that its not as real as people make it out to be. what if love started out as this amazing couple who loved each other more than anyone now on this earth could imagine. what if all the cheesy lines they told each other weren't cheesy but true. what if somebody else saw what they had and wanted it so they took those cheesy lines and said them to their partner, just trying to get what that first couple had. but those lines were empty because they weren't true, they were just a false imitation of what love could truly be. what if this false empty imitation of love has traveled down through the generations and now its in romantic movies and on valentines day cards and whispered sweet nothings into peoples ears but its all a lie. not a cruel or ever purposeful lie but a lie non the less. how am i suppose to live with the fact that love could all be a lie.

Corey

the thing that really haunts me about my whole relationship with Corey is i cant understand how we went from how it was to how it is now. when i think of him the first thing that always comes to my mind is a certain very sweet night. it was a Monday i think, for some reason we didn't have school that day or Tuesday. we had spent the whole day together hanging out with friends and just being crazy, it was one of those days that were just perfect you know. we ended up going back to our friend Arron's house and his parents weren't home. me and Corey locked ourselves in Arron's sisters room. it was assumed by everyone that we were having sex and i haven't corrected anybody on that fact to this day because the memory of what actually happened it kinda special to me. i just don't want anyone to ruin it, i don't know, kinda crazy i know. we just laid on the bed and held each other and told each other our secrets and hopes and dreams. it is my favorite moment/memory with him. so when i see him the first thing i think of is that and the second is how he is now calling me a whore and easy. i just don't understand how we went from that night to how it is now. its not that i have feelings for him anymore or anything like that its just so difficult to understand. it hurts to see someone that i used to care about so much now have a deep hate for me, no matter how big of a jerk he is.

youth group

i dont remember how i ever fit in with the people in youth group before. i feel so disconnected from everyone. i feel like no body really wants to be friends with me. i dont know i just feel like everyone is tired of me. i dont know why and i dont know what i did but i feel like its true. i know its mostly my fault i know iv disconnected myself from everyone but i have no idea how to get back to how it used to be. i just feel so hopeless and alone. i cant stand this. i dont know what to do or how to change it. i want to change it so bad but i feel like its impossible. i feel like im barley trending water here. i want to swim instead of just not drowning.

high school

so im tired of high school. im so done with being there everyday for stupid classes that dont have any real meaning but mostly i just cant stand the people anymore. im really tired of going to school everyday and hearing the new rumor that Corey has made up about me for no reason other than the fact that he likes to torment me. as well most of my friends i made this year im realizing i dont really like. yea that sounds kinda mean and its not that i dont think their kool people and all that its just i cant be myself around them. i just dont feel like i fit in with them anymore. i truly dont feel like i fit in any where anymore, not even at church. i feel like people at church have grown tired of me and my constant mistakes. i dont know its probably all in my head but thats what it feels like. God i feel like i write the same thing in here all the time, about how i feel so disconnect from everyone. i really need to find a real way to stop this crazy cycle of loneliness. i need to find a real good friend who i can talk to about everything and who will understand me. idk maybe next semester ill find someone like that.