money

i know this is going to make me sound like a completely ridiculously privileged white girl (and maybe i am) but iv never had a problem with money. iv never really wanted for much and iv gotten use to there being a constant supply of money from my parents, not that i just got whatever i wanted when ever i wanted but if there was an event i wanted to go to my parents usually let me go. but this year i guess with it just been senior year and there being one zillion things to pay for money has been tight and i actually just had to choose between two events and honestly it sucked. i had to choose between prom and youth convention. i choose youth convention. i really really really really want to go to prom, iv always wanted to go to prom and it sounds like so much fun and iv waited all high school to go and its senior year and i was finally going to go but now i cant. im so sad cuz i was looking forward to getting all dressed up and dancing and just being a teenager but now all that is ruined. but i know that youth convention was the right choice because i know that God is more important than any silly prom could ever be its just i really want to go to prom :(................. i know God is important and i know that im doing the right thing but for me this is a big sacrifice. i know that thats stupid i know its just a silly dance and im being a completely retarded teenage girl but i want to go to prom so bad and iv really been looking forward to prom. i hate all of this and i hate myself and know dumb im being i shouldn't even be upset about this. im so stupid to be upset just cuz i didnt get everything i want. i like to think im different than the average teen girl but im not im just as stupid as most and im still crying over a dumb dance.

i told you so

i worst thing about deciding i don't like Ryan? knowing that their will be one million people there to say i told you so, i knew it wasn't right, of course your not suppose to be together.

i tried

i tried so hard to like him. to be what he needed me to be and for him to be what i needed him to be but the thing is its just not the truth. i want so badly to be able to say to Ryan that i really like him and that we are meant to be together but the thing is i don't feel that way about him. i know i could be mostly happy if i was with him and i know that he would provide for me. i know that he would help with my youth group dream and i know that our families work well together. i also know that i would make him happy. but i don't want to settle and i don't want to just have him be happy and i don't want for him to be second best. i want him to be so happy and i want him to have the best but i know that i'm not best for him and i know i wont make him the happiest. i really want to find the guy God has for me and i want to be so happy with him and i know that guy isn't Ryan. i think the reason that i keep going back to liking Ryan is because i don't trust God to bring me the person he has for me. i need to trust God and to be patient with all of this. i'm only 17 years old, its so hard to remember that some times. some times it feels like i need to be engaged and ready to marry already but the thing is i have a lot of time to just be me and to just be single. please Lord please help me to just trust you and to wait for your perfect timing.

unoriginal

today i had a moment where i felt more unoriginal than i ever have in my whole life. it was the worse feeling, it was like knowing in the bottom of my soul that nothing made me special. it happened when my friend Dana told me about how when she came to school early this morning she saw Corey in his car with a girl. (his gf) no big deal right but the thing was when me and Corey were dating we did the same thing. we sat in the parking lot before school and talked. i don't know why it effected me so bad i guess its just the fact that i though that was mine and his thing. so it really hurt so i did the only thing i knew how to do. i did what i learned to do from the movie garden state when you start to feel completely unoriginal. you move your body in some weird way and make a weird noise and you can say you just had a completely original moment because no one has ever done that exact thing in that exact stop before. it helped a little bit to do that.