angery

OK so I'm straight up angry with Ryan. I'm so mad that i did the right thing and now hes all pissy with me. and i know that doing the right thing isn't always easy and i know that truly most of the time its not but argh I'm mad. i decided i didn't like Ryan and i didn't want to have a future with him and i wanted to leave all we had in the past. i know God is calling me on to bigger and greater things and i cant be hindered by my past. that sounds kind of mean but i dont mean for it to be. I'm not doing this cuz I'm mad or want revenge or anything like that I'm doing it cuz i know that's what God has called me to. i didn't want to lead Ryan on so i told him all this. i didn't want him to be under the impression that i still liked him and i felt that it would be better if i told him. so i did and honestly he seems really mad about it. and we had movie plans before all this with a bunch of friends and Ryan was my ride. hes really the only person who could give me a ride. well Randall could but its a big inconvenience to him but most likely now he will be driven me. he will be driven me because Ryan still hasn't decided if hes going to drive me. i guess after i said the friend thing he changed his mind about driven me. but he claims that we were always friends and he never treated me any differently than all his other friends before. BUT suddenly now that were truly friends he treats me like this. it was fine to go to the movie before now its suddenly not! what ! are you serious! this is such BS! i hate this its not at all fair! yeah life isn't fair blah blah blah! i dont care right now! i just for once would like to do the right thing and it turn out OK! I HATE THIS!!!!!!!! SERIOUSLY I KNOW I MESSED UP BUT FOR ONCE COULD I MESS UP ALITTLE AND IT NOT COME BACK TO BITE ME????????? IM A GOOD KID ALRIGHT I DONT WHAT IM SUPPOST TO ALL!!! THE TIME! BUT I CANT EVER CATCH A BREAK!!!!
OK OK i know that its not that serious and my life isn't to bad but I'm just frustrated. sorry if this kinda rambled but i just need to get my train of thought out. and scarily this if the format in which i think, in other words all out of order and crazy.

mom

my moms name was Angela Naylor (maiden name Bellerdine). she died April 7th 1994 she was 24 when she died. i was 8 months old when she died. some people i guess would say that i cant miss her sense i didn't know her but god i miss her alot. i miss her more than i could ever put into words. its kinda sad that i don't have any memories of her. i just have the words of others. it makes me jealous that these other people knew my mom and can tell me stories about her but me her daughter never knew her. i only know a few things about her, they seem pitiful and stupid compared to what most people know about their parents. but what i do know is: she was beautiful (she has the same dark hair as me but she cut hers short. she was 5'6 and a size 8 so around the same size as me. she had huge lips lol she had brown eyes but she wanted green eyes like i do she wore green contacts. she won most beautiful baby in NY when she was 1) i know she was an artist she took art classes in college and that's where she met my dad. she was 2 years older than my dad. i know she couldn't cook to save her life and would always invite her self over to her parents house to eat dinner. i know she loved! animals and she showed dogs as a kid. and when she was married to my dad she was always bringing home stray animals lol drove my dad crazy lol. i just found out about 10 minutes ago that she had OCD. my dad gave me the example that she had to keep touching the alarm clock and looking at the time over and over again before she could go to sleep. i know she was super funny. like one of the funniest people uv ever met and pretty much everyone loved her. i know she liked to write and i found a bunch of her journal stuff. and the last thing i know is she loved sour cream. she ate it on everything. but saddly thats pretty much all i know about her. it makes me so angery that so many people take their parents for granted or say they hate their parents when i would kill for a day with my mom. when the only "memorie" i have of her is a dream and i treasure that. i miss her so much and i wish she was here so i could talk to her about everything. their are so many things i wish i could talk to her about. it makes me angery with God some times. why out of every one was i choosen to not have a mom when all these other girls get to have one. I want my mom. didnt God know that? that i want her and that i was going to miss her. i know its not Gods fault but i just miss her. i hope i see her again one day but i worry cuz she was catholic so who knows where she is. man i miss her.

native american

i really wish that i was native American. yea that's a little weird but i just find their traditions beautiful. i love how connected they are to their heritage. don't get me wrong i love! my heritage, i love being German and italian. i really want to learn how to speak German and maybe italian. (i know German is kinda an ugly language but i love it. i guess its a comfort thing because i heard it all through my childhood) i worry oddly that my kids wont be connected to their heritage. i really want my kids to feel a connection to it. i guess that's why i wish i was native American because they are so connect all through the generations. culture is such a great thing but i dont feel like people now a days really value it.

me

its so hard to define me. like im constantly trying to figure out who i am and what makes me me but i never seem to get a grasp on it. i guess its because im always changing. im always changing my mind, i always think and rethink my views on things. so some body could ask me how i feel about some thing one day and i would give them a completely honest answer but the next day they could ask me the same thing but i would have a completely different view. some times it makes me feel like a lair cuz i give people different answers but im really not. im being honest every time i answer. i feel like a minor schizophrenic half the time because i have so many different sides to me.

right thing

i hate that some times the right thing isnt the thing you want to do. i hate that some time what i need to do is some thing that is going to hurt some one else. the most teenage why i can say it is this sux! i would love to just say how i feel but i know its not the right time. i know that things will work out better if i dont but its so difficult to wait till than. everything feels so unfinished. its like im in the middle of the storie and the writer has an ending in mind but hasnt put it on paper yet. things are just so unstable. i wish things could be more balanced but i know thats for later. i guess that if things were all figured out now it would take the joy out of later. and a part of me understands that but the other part of me doesnt want to deal with this inbetween time.

its been a while

so its been a while sence i wrote anything on here. so heres whats changed me and jay dated and broke up. currently i like ryan its very complicated. (its werid cuz it seems like from the outside that iv been jumping from guy to guy but i really havent been. idk its not like me to go from guy to guy idk its werid) school is about to end i only have 1 and a half days yay! lol thats pretty much all that has changed in my very boring life. lol. well the biggest issue currently in my life is that i need a friend. i dont have any close friends. i barley have friends as it is. i need to get a best friend because i dont talk about anything with any one i just write it all out. so i keep all my problems to my self i need to find some one who i can trust idk. i just have the hardest time becoming close frends with people. i see that they have this full life and good friends without me and i feel i have no business talking to them. i start to think that they have no room for me in their life. i still kinda think its true. i dont think that any one really wants me in their life. i mean who am i??? no one really knows me (thats my fault because i keep everything to myself) but i feel like people just like it better not knowing me. i think alot of people are fasinated by me cuz im kinda a mystery and im obvious different than other people. they of course cant figure out why because i dont let any one in. a part of me is afraid if i let people in and they see im not nearly as intersting as they imagine they wont talk to me any more. if their is no mystery than why would they talk to me. i dont really think its possible for people to just like me for me. im no one. im not intersting or a kool or anything special im just me. i cant see any reason for some one to hang around me. idk many thats stupid but thats how i think. i just dont think any one would want to be friends with me.