hannah :)

i loveeeeeeeee my best friend hannah abbou!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she is so super awesome! lol but seriously i really do love her. i only met her at the beginning of this year and we only started to be really close these last few months but i feel like iv known her for forever. i cant be my absolute crazy and insane self that iv hidden from the world for so long around her. she makes me question going to Alaska because i dont want to leave her. i know i need to go but seriously its hard for me to think of leaving her. i think ill probably miss her the most. im so worried im going to move to Alaska and she is going to move on and get a new best friend and she will forget all about me. im also worried that i will allow myself to drop out of her life because im moving and i feel like she wont want to be friends with me when i move away. i dont know im weird im jst worried cuz i love her alot and i dont want her out of my life ever. i want her to be the friend iv had sense high school and were super close even when were 40 and have a zillion kids that are driven us crazy. i want her to be the friend i keep for the rest of my life, that no matter where i travel or what happens in my life i pick up the phone every day and tell her about it. she is my nana osaki.

some times

some times i feel like the most boring piece of crap ever. some times i wonder why people hang out with me when i am so darn boring. and it kinda makes me hate myself. i dont know not hate myself but just become frustrated. i cant feel the person im suppose to be and i know that person is pretty darn awesome but its like i cant get to that person. i know this sounds dumb cuz this isnt the reason that i have a blog or tumblr but when i see no one reads my blog and my only follower on tumblr is my best friend i feel like such a loser. i feel like im just so boring that no one would ever want to know whats going on in my head. but what makes me sadder is that i keep posting stuff because even though no one cares i want them to so bad.

you

some thing that has always bugged me is that you've never really admitted what happened. you feel so bad for cheating on me, but that doesnt even really hurt me. i always kinda suspected you did. when we first started dating i just had this feeling i dont know how to explain but it was like i could feel you were being untruthful but of course i didnt ask. how crazy would i have looked if in the first week of our relationship i asked if you were cheating? but i felt it and i chose to forget about it. its been behind me for a long time. what bugs me is that you dont understand what really hurt me in the relationship. ill try to put it in the most straight forward way possible because part of me thinks you never understood what i was saying. i feel like you molested me through out our whole relationship. not that i didnt do stuff with you willingly but i also think you molested me a lot. i also feel like you raped me, i feel like you took my first time away from me. that hurts so much more than the cheating. i deal with that everyday. it makes it hard for me to realize when a guy is a jerk because i dont understand that i have a right to say no. i dont say this cuz i want to make you feel bad that is the last thing i want. i just want you to understand. i dont even want you to say sorry. i just want you to understand where my hurt comes from. and im sorry i always seem to bring this up cuz i feel like i do. im sorry.

him

i can feel my self falling for him again and it kills me. it makes me hate myself. over and over and over again iv hurt him and i dont want to do it again. i know he probably thinks that i dont care how he feels and that i dont care if i hurt him but i do. it hurts me just as much to hurt him as it would to cut my own heart open. i dont want to hurt him ever. i feel like such a monster all the time. i hate this constant will we wont we. i just want it to be finished in my heart. God has confirmed so many times that my current decision is right but its so hard to trust in that. im so scared that iv misinterpreted something. i want my grieving heart to be able to move on and stop hurting him. im so sorry i hurt him. im so sorry. i wish i could do something to make it easier for you. i wish i could take who i am and make to some one who u cant stand so u wouldnt be conflicted. i wish i was some one else so i could help you get over the selfish horrible girl who has been torturing you for so long. i wish i could do some thing.

losing my self

i havent wrote in here in a while. it makes me sad, it makes me feel like im losing part of who i am. as much as i say im good at writing and poems and stuff i dont write a whole lot. i want to be creative, i mean i am but i want it to fill more of a part of my life. i want to write more poems i want to draw more i just want to do more. i dont know im weird. i just dont want to loss what makes me me. i think im going to start writing poems and then drawing a picture to go with it. i think that would be awesome and it would force me to spend a good amount of time both writing the poem and drawing the picture. i like that idea.

why??????

why do i still think of him???? its been 5 months and i still think of him everyday........................