fu fu

iv had this stuffed bunny sense before i was born, it was given to my parents the Easter before i was born to be given to me. iv slept with him by my side pretty much everyday sense i was born. i know a 17 year old girl should not still sleep with a stuffed animal but..... i do. i love fu fu so much and the idea of not sleeping with him is painful to me. my parents have never really pushed me to give him up and I'm glad they haven't because i dont know if i really could. my grandma on the other hand hates him with a passion and thinks i should have gotten rid of him years ago. i just cant let him go. to get ride of fu fu would be just as painful to me as it would be to lose a friend. i know i sound super crazy like one of those people who collect beanie babies and have a million stuffed animals placed all over there house but its not like that. i dont really have an obsession over stuff animals just fu fu. this is going to sound weird but hes my most loyal friend. he has always been there for me. in times when i didn't have friends i would have him with me constantly and i find my self carrying him around whenever i get lonely. i dont know how to describe it hes just the biggest comfort ever. his "fur" is pretty rough just from years of wear and tear but its the most comforting feeling ever and when I'm upset i just have to have him touching my skin. even his smell is just comforting to me, to everyone else he probably just smells dirty but to me he smells idk just comforting. almost every time iv cried iv held him and used him to wipe my tears and every time iv been sick iv held him tight. i love him so much and i have no clue how i will ever be able to give him up. i going to take him to college, it might be a little ridiculous but i dont know if i would survive without him there. especially being so far away and away from everything that is comfortable I'm going to need him there. my grandma thinks i cant give him up because i associate bunnies with my mom, (which is true, at her funeral there was a bunny and also every time i go to her grave a bunny is there. so yea bunnies already have a soft spot in my heart) but that's not it. fu fu is the one constant thing in my life, no matter what has happened or what has changed he has been the constant. and he has just brought so much comfort to my life. gosh i know i sound crazy going on and on about a stuffed bunny like hes real but he just means so much to me. i cant even fully put into words how much this dumb stuffed animal means to me. i just love him.

mom

i hate when my mom does that. hate hate hate hate it! she just ignores me i could be in the same room as her trying to talk to her and she will just completely ignore me. its so childish and stupid. its not even that I'm bugging her or that I'm trying to get her to say yes to something. its nothing like that! any time i just try to talk about something that she doesn't feel like talking about she just ignores me. she does not have the ability to talk things out, she would just rather ignore me. its really hurtful. for example: i need to get senior pictures done as soon as possible because I'm not sure how soon i need to turn them in. as well I'm supposed to get them done before school starts and their is only about 2 weeks till school starts. she is supposed to get her friend to do them because she will probably give us a discount. OK kool that's fine i dont care who does them. so about once a week i have been asking her whats going on if the person has answered back to her email whatever. it has been 2 weeks sense she sent her email and the person has not answered back!!!!!!!! at all!!!!!!! OK I'm getting a little bit nervous that shes never going to answer back so tonight i asked if she had heard back from her. she said no so i said well shouldn't we call her or find some one else to do it cuz its been 2 weeks and she hasn't answered back. shouldn't we do that? guess who ignored me? OK shes sitting 2 feet away from me! you obviously heard me! and just because you dont want to deal with it doesn't mean that you can just ignore the problem! i still have to get senior pictures and obviously your friend is not getting back to you! but whatever dont talk to me about it that would be utter madness! I'm soo frustrated! and its so hurtful that she doesn't even care enough about the fact that I'm worried to talk it out with me. she just cares about herself and that's so just arggggggggg. i never feel good enough in this house i always feel like no one cares about me. i hate it so much.

hair cut

i want to cut my hair sooo bad. honestly I'm ready to just take a pair of scissors to it my self and screw waiting to go to the hair dresser. OK well i wouldn't really do that cuz i know that it would look horrible but i have an insane desire to cut my hair as soon as possible. i have no clue why! a few days ago i wasn't even thinking about cutting my hair for a long time in fact i was trying to grow it out! but now i want to cut it soo short that the longest part is barely going to reach my jawline. i am easily cutting 9-10 inches of hair off (i should probably donation it to locks of love but truly I'm too impatient for that). iv always wanted short hair but for some reason the thought never crossed my mind to actually cut it short. now that it has though its taken over. i cant stop looking at the picture of the hair cut i want and i keep thinking over and over again about the things that i do and dont want in my hair cut. i keep thinking about what i am going to tell the hair dresser so that she can get it exactly right. i am starting to hate! my long hair. its becoming a complete hindrance in my mind. but I'm really sick of my long hair. i feel like i hid behind it, like it gives me confidence, its starting to feel like a security blanket. i mean if my confidence wasn't wrapped up in it than why would it scare me to cut it? cuz it does, as much as i want to cut it it scares me out of my mind. i dont want that security blanket any more i want to be just confident in me. plus i feel like my hair cut will fit me better. i like my hair how it is, its pretty for sure but its not me. the new hair cut is a little bit more edgy. its short and that back is almost boy like yet the front is still soft and pretty. so i feel like it will fit me better. I'm a tom boy for the most part but at the same time I'm still feminine. I'm not one of those weird tom boys where your not sure if they are a girl or a boy,no i am most definitely a girl! so I'm super excited about this hair cut!! I'm a little nervous about the bangs part because iv never liked bangs on me but i think with this hair cut it will be good. I'm thinking about just cutting my bangs tonight. darn my impatience!

kirk

my brother kirk was going to church with me but now i think he is deciding not to. it makes me undescribable sad. i assumed (stupidly i guess) that he would be the first person in my family other than me to get saved. i was so happy to finally have another person in my family going to church with me. I'm always alone at church, i have the Houston's but i have no real blood family there. i want kirk to grow up to be an awesome man of God and i know that if he grows up with God he could be a really amazing guy. but i see the way that he is growing up and it breaks my heart. honestly hes growing up to be a jerk. hes mean to Kevin all the time and I'm pretty sure that he cusses when hes not around the family. he hangs out with people who are horrible influences. hes always trying to cheat people out of something. its so frustrating. kirk is honestly one of my best friends. OK maybe that makes me a dork that my little brother is one of my best friends but i see him that way. hes a really kool guy underneath all the jerkness and i want to be able to share the God part of my life with him. I'm just so frustrated. i wish i just had at least one family member who came to church with me.

screw up

I'm so scared on my own stupidity some times. right now i feel so out of control and burdened by my stupid faults. i know every one has faults and i know that every one messes up but i feel like i dont know like my faults out weigh my good qualities. iv messed up so many times and i feel like those mistakes are just waiting to get back at me. I'm so afraid people are going to see me for my faults. iv messed up so bad, i cant imagine if people knew the things i have done. i take full responsibility for what i have done but i just wish i wasn't so stupid. i fall for the same crap time and time again, its like i cant learn. i make the same mistakes thinking each time that it not a mistake because some one has pushed me into a new reality. the push new lines, new material, new promises, and i buy into this reality even though a big part of me knows that its not real. i buy into it though because i want it to be real. iv never wanted any thing so badly but for these worlds to be real. but of course they aren't and when the creator of this world has gotten all they have come for they slowly let my reality crumble. silly me though i just cant leave it at that, i actually try to pick up the pieces of this broken reality, like maybe i can put it back together. but i cant i have no control because iv given all my control away. i am such an inconceivable screw up. i wish i wasn't stupid enough to be so easily manipulated.