normal?

I'm not sure if this is normal or not but I'm not crazy enough to ask any body in case its not. so i might as well write it here. alright so i hate awkward moments a lot and yea i know everybody hates awkward moments but I'm not sure they do as much as me. when an awkward moment happens i have to hurt myself, i cant stop myself from doing it. i don't have to hurt myself a lot i just have to twist my fingers or wrist or foot till it hurts. i just have to do some small thing like that till i feel enough pain to distract me than i stop. i do it every time their is any awkward situation even if their is an awkward silence i do it. i also do it when i rethink of an awkward situation, i don't have to hurt myself as bad but i do have to cause pain. i truly have no control over it, i cant stop it no matter how hard i try. i guess it i had to compare it to some thing id compare it to people who have OCD. when they have compulsions and stuff and they just have to do it no matter how much they don't want to. iv done this for as long as i can remember so i just don't know if its normal or not. i really don't know if other people do it or if I'm just crazy.

lines

I'm sooo sick of guys lines. I'm sick of them telling me what they think i want to hear instead of the truth. i don't need to be feed some cheesy half thought out line that they picked up out of a romantic movie. i don't want to be feed a line that has or can been said to any other girl and have just as much meaning. i want the truth for once. the world is full of lies, and when i like a guy i want him to be the one person i can trust to tell me the truth. i don't like any body right now, I'm neutral, I'm Switzerland. but thing is that does not stop the stupid cave man like lines form being hear or rethought of. i think and rethink about the lines that have been said to me and it just makes me angry. what makes me the most angry though is when i fell for those lines.

Garret

so i have this really close family friend and his name is Garret. iv known him sense is was born and my family has known him for longer. i have always had a little school girls crush on him. this crush is completely and most definitely stupid. only because he is 24 so hummm 5 years older than me, I'm like his little sister, and he has a kid. but never the less every time i see Garret my heart goes crazy lol. he'd never look at me twice but that boy is cute!!! when I'm around him the dialogue in my head is so ridiculous. like he likes banana peppers and i hate them so this is the dialogue going on in my head: "oh you like banana peppers?" "well i don't, were a perfect match." "it doesn't matter that you have a kid and its completely illegal." "it will all work out because we will always have banana peppers." "i could order them with every meal and you can eat them because i hate them." see I'm completely crazy in my mind around him hahaha and obviously you cant base a relationship around banana peppers sooo I'm thinking its not going to happen. darn

aliens

you know how little kids like to play pretend and they image that they are cow boys or animals or whatever but eventually they move out of that stage and stop pretending. i never moved out of that stage. i still pretend stuff all the time. i don't let people know but most of the time i have a story going on in my head and I'm all these different weird things lol. like alot of the time i like to pretend that I'm a vampire hahaha cuz most of the time im pale and i have dark hair so i think i kind of look like one lol. i pretend that it takes a lot of self restraint for me to be around humans hahahaha. my other favorite thing to pretend is being a alien sent here to study humans. i pretend that its hard for me to fit in with the human race and i only do certain things because it is a very "human" thing to do. i people watch and i act like I'm observing people to try and understand them for the home planet so that we will be more successful when we take over!!! hahahaha the other thing i do is when I'm alone i pretend I'm a spy and sing the James bond theme music and i sneak down the halls at school or in church and twirl around and look around corners before i turn down them. i hold my fingers like a gun and some times shoot imaginary people. so yea I'm a little weird but its OK cuz its kinda fun.

scary

OK so like i put in an earlier post i have UC. well i don't like medicine like i said but I'm going back on it. its to dangerous for me not to be on it. my grandma found out how bad i was bleeding and freaked out! but I'm glad she did, it made me understand how serious this really is. i forget how serious this could turn because iv had it for so long. i should have realised how bad its been getting lately, i mean there were so many signs. i guess i just didn't want to deal with it so i ignored them. the biggest sign should have been when i almost passed out when i was on stage with the choir, that should have been a big sign that i don't have enough blood in my system. if i had to guess id say that my anemia has gotten really bad sense last time it was checked. its not like i was just bleeding a little, more like i could bleed out if this doesn't get fixed. God has a way of bring things to light hu. i know God made this come to light at my grandmas house because shes the only one who would really push the issue. i think this is Gods way of saving me from my stupidity. i thought i had things so under control, like if i wished hard enough this would go away. but this isn't something that is going to go away on its own, this could kill me. and not just because i could get cancer from it like i said, i could die from simple lack of blood. i could pass out while driving from lack of blood and get in a crash. i mean there are so many things that could happen. wow I'm just starting to understand how serious this is, i cant believe I'm gonna say this but i cant wait for my medicine to get here. ill feel much safer once i start taking it. God I'm glad not that many people read my blog, i really don't want people to really know about this. yea i know I'm posting it on the Internet but i don't want people to know? stupid yea i know but i can just get my thoughts out faster when i type and my thoughts are going a million miles an hour right now. well i guess i do almost want people to know, well i want them to know in theory but not in reality. i want to be able to talk about it with some one but at the same time i don't know if id be able to talk about it. first of all i feel dumb for not taking medicine in the first place and second of all most people cant really understand. third of all i hate having this. I'm 17, 70 year olds are supposed to have this. and last but not least i hate just i don't know, i guess the weakness that comes along with having this. the anemia that UC causes really does make you weak. i try to play it off like I'm just not athletic and that's way i don't run or i like being so pale. but truth is i cant run without out gasping for breath and I'm pale cuz i don't have enough blood to give my skin color. i honestly feel crappy alot of the time because of it but i don't let people know. i just don't want them to know. its humiliating to be so weak. a little bit of me is jealous, that everyone else seems to be healthy but I'm crippled but this. of course that's a stupid thought other people have it just worst than me. i need to just get over my pride and take care of my self, even if it is embarrassing some times.

connection

i feel really alone most of the time. i know that is also greatly my fault. I'm not good at reaching out to people. i have a hard time believing any body would want to be friends with me so i purposely drop out of peoples lives alot. i know this is probably the biggest hold the devil has on me, loneliness. its the reason iv dated many of the people iv dated. its the reason why some times i drop down into a depression. its the reason why some times when things get really really bad i cut. (but for the most part i am greatly over that). its the reason why i think very little of my self. honestly when it comes right down to it its the root of most of my problems. if i really want to think about why it has much a strong hold on me id say it starts in my house. it starts with my family and how our house is run. now don't get me wrong i love my family alot. i wouldn't trade them for the world, i would rather have my crazy messed up family than any other family in the world. but at the same time you have to understand my family. we all love each other but we are greatly uninvolved in each others lives. even my parents are not really involved in me and my brothers lives. i have very few rules, the only rules are get good grades do your chores and stay out of each others way. of course its not like i get to do whatever i want i still have to ask my parents to go out and stuff. but unlike other parents my parents do not ask who is going to be there what are you going to do blah blah blah, the only thing they care about is if i have a car to drive their and if i have money for gas. i usually tell my parents whats going on any ways but that's just cuz i don't have any thing to hide. so any ways with school I'm supposed to get good grades and i do cuz school has always been easy for me but my parents would never know if i didn't. they never look at my report card, they don't even know when it comes out. so you kinda understand what i mean when i say where not involved in each others lives? we are more like room mates than family. its gotten better over the years honestly, this year is really the first year iv ever been able to talk to my parents about any thing. when i was in middle school it was really bad. we were sooo disconnected from each other that my parents didn't ever realise i was depressed. i mean Mrs. Leola my neighbor knew i was depressed. well i don't know i cant talk for them maybe they did know i was depressed but if they did they didn't do anything about it. at that time as Mrs. Leola stated it i was living in a neglected home. blah i hate talking about this. it makes my parents seem like such bad people but really really aren't. they just are not the greatest parents. its just in my house everything is very much fend for your self. so it makes me very independent. i don't really know how to lean on other people and how to trust other people. but mostly what bugs me the most is that i don't know how to be there for other people. i really want to help people most of the time but i have no clue how to. i don't know the words to say or the things to do. mostly i just try to listen to people, i think some times people just need to be listened to. but when it comes to be comforting them i want to so bad but I'm usually stuck saying wow that sux cuz i have no clue what to say. its so frustrating. on the inside I'm dieing to reach out to people to have lasting friendships but some thing in me every time some one gets too close pushes they away. not that i haven't been getting better with it, iv actually gained some friends this year but i worry it wont last. gosh its so just fustarting! its such a slow process learning how to connect with people.

jazz

so i have a confession to make...... i LOVE jazz. iv loved jazz sense i was in middle school. i remember in middle school (sense i didn't have any friends lol) sitting in my room for hours and just listening to jazz on the radio. but you know how middle school is, people are quickly talked out of anything that isn't considered "cool". so i was talked out of jazz but my only friend at the time Jessica corley. Jessica was a kool kid and when i would try to get her to listen to jazz she would laugh at me and change the station to rap. so i stopped listening to jazz. but i think I'm going to start listening to it again. i don't really care at this point if its kool or not. i just know that i love everything about jazz. i love the way its spelled with the double zz and j. i love that you can play jazz without having a certain set song to play, that you can just make it up as you go along. i love that it was created by the first generation of freed slaves and that it feels as free as they did. i love that it doesn't have to be figured out, you can just listen to jazz and it inspires you without needed to understand it.

random

in the first willa wonka moive, you know the candy shop guy who sings the candy man song? alright so iv always hated this guy! even as a kid i was like wow this guy is a jerk. poor little charlie is super poor and is staring into the window just wishing he could eat some candy, and you know the candy guy sees him!!! and hes just handing out fists full of free candy to all those stupid greed rich kids!!! they could just buy the candy unlike poor charlie! why dont you give some candy to the poor kid mr. candy man! this is why i hate the candy man on willa wonka.

uc

i have a condition called UC. i dont know how to spell the big fancy words those letters stand for so yea. but its means that i have ulcers in my colon. i dont really like to talk about this cuz its super embarrassing. i mean its such an old persons condition but oddly iv had it sense i was 13 maybe 14. well that's when i was diagnosed with it iv had it as long as i can remember, seems like i was born with it lol. it really sux honestly. because of it i also have anemia (which means i dont have as much blood as other people). i have anemia because the ulcers make me bleed. so yea gross ummm any ways. when you have UC you have these things called flare ups which just means you have times when it becomes really bad when other times you hardly notice it. stress causes flare ups so if i get stressed it starts to hurt. other times it just hurts for no reason. like the worst time i was laying on the couch for two days hardly able to walk because the pain was so intense. i am supposed to take medicine for it but of course I'm stubborn. i was having to take over 80 pills a week and i just refuse to do that. i just cant live like that. i cant live my life dependent on pills. i know they help me but i hate living like that. its kind of like a double edged sword. i take the pills and its fixed but i am dependant on pills. i dont take the pills and i have this condition. also i know the longer i have this the more likely i am to get colon cancer. i dont want to get cancer but id rather chance it than have to take all those pills. i know that's stupid and ill regret it if i get cancer but....i just cant do it. for now I'm just praying that God will take it away from me. that he will heal me and i can be free of this. its not like he cant lol. i have hope that one day he will and i know it will just add to my testimony. one day i will be free of this but for now i have to deal with it.

wow

when i think about how far i have come in life its pretty amazing to me. not to be like ohh yea I'm soo awesome! no its not that its just that how i was before i never would have been able to do the simple things that i do in my life now. people dont really understand how truly trapped i was in that time of my life. i guess its cuz i rarely talk about it, idk i dont really like to. cuz first of all i dont like to remember it and second of all I'm sure its pretty boring to most people. but i want to write about it today so i guess i will. OK so when i was a kid (and when i say kid i mean my middle school years) i was really really living in a state of panic. over just dumb things honestly. every day pretty much i would break down into panic attacks and not be able to breath and i would cry uncontrollably. and i just wouldn't be able to stop, even after the panic was gone i would still be crying cuz i was upset that i lost control again. i would go into panic over everything! the weirdest thing i went into panic over was escalators. i could not! go on escalators i would scream if any one forced me to go on one. i dont know why i just couldn't do it. i wouldn't ever talk to people. i was afraid if i talked people would make fun of me. i could go days with out saying more than i few words. but obviously that didn't really help with my whole popularity thing in school so they would still make fun of me and i would silently break down and try not to cry during class. its awful that kids dont realise the impact of their words. i remember i would sit in my room every day after school and cry for hours. i would replay everything the kids had said to me and promise myself that i would kill myself before i had to go back to deal with them another day. thankful i never had the guts to go through with that promise. so any ways i was super skinny as a kid and part of the reason i was was because i would never eat any where other than my house or a restaurant. i couldn't eat at other peoples house i was too shy they would always ask me if i wanted this or that and even though i did i just couldn't eat or drink. even when i was in a restaurant i would have a hard time with it, my younger brothers would have to order food for me. i was so trapped by my fear. i cant even describe the pure terror that i lived in. idk i dont want to talk about it any more.

reminising

i love looking back at my journal entries but i hate it at the same time. its kool to look back and remember what i was feeling or thinking in that moment but i realise how stupid i was! i just see how completely immature i was but i thought that i was soo mature. even now i think that I'm a pretty mature person but i know later i will read my journals are see i was an idiot. it just makes me cringe to read what i thought my life would be like now. its so completely different and I'm so glad it is. I'm such a typical teenager and i cant think in future tense. i cant think or understand that things could be any different than they are right now. and that is the down fall of the youth because life is always changing and even in a few days things can be completely different than before.

fire works

so its 4th of July and of course their are illegal fire works every where. i was just watching fire works at my friends house, well kinda friend. we were really close in elementary school but of course people change and things happen and were not close any more. bottom line though she choose her other friends instead of me again and again despite the fact that i was the only friend who never betrayed her. so any ways whenever i hang out with her i end up being seen as the weird girl. the girl who has no friends, never leaves the house and is stared down by all her friends. she makes fun of me cuz she says i never go any where. yea ok i dont go a whole lot of places, i cant argue that. but most of the people i would ever want to hang out with are in Fairfax and i have to drive 45 minutes to see them. and i would do that every single day if it meant that i could hang out with them but thing is i have no money which equals no gas for my car and my mom doesn't love it when i borrow her car every other day. so that does not leave me open to a whole lot of hanging out time. and i would never hang out with her and her friends. her friends make me feel like a mutant, at least they look at me like i am one. first of all most of her friends are pretty and they dress in this tiny little outfits than barely cover their size 1 waist. and they ALWAYS hang out with guys, when your with them the guys are always comparing the girls in their minds. idk just the way they look at every one you can tell and i dont want to have to be compared to them. I'm never going to measure up to them, so that's the first reason i would never hang out with them. second reason is they are ALWAYS drinking or smoking or worst and i do not want to be around that. i dont drink or smoke so while everyone else is having a great time doing that I'm bored out of my mind. third reason i would never hang out with them is they are completely unoriginal. they are ALWAYS talking about the same thing, getting drunk, smoking weed, having sex, or the resent drama. well i dont care about any of that. its pointless and truly their lives are pointless. i mean what are they living for? that's sounds harsh but its true they are going no where fast. i dont want to get caught up in that idea of living for nothing. i mean i know i dont want to be like her so i shouldn't worry when she makes fun of me(it just means I'm doing something right) but the thing is it hurts it be seen as a freak no matter how much u love your inner weirdo cuz you know they dont love it. i dont know all i keep thinking about is my favorite type of fire works. i love the fire works who look like their nothing big but at the last second burst into beautiful sparkles. i think maybe (as cheesy as this sounds) I'm like those fire works. i might not look like anything great right now but just wait a second.

eat pray love

so i decided to read the book eat pray love. i saw the commercial for the up coming movie of it and thought it looked good. why waste a book, even if my grandma did give it to me. not that i have any problem with my grandma giving me books but this particular grandma is a grade A hippie. she is all in to the organic- find your inner self- read your palm crap. i agree with about 5% (if that) of what she says. not that i dont love her shes very nice but as far as taking an advice from her not going to happen. especially not love advice shes been divorced 3 times, the most resent divorce happened a year ago. yea shes not exactly my go to grandma. so any ways i started to read this book and it seemed pretty good for about the first 3 pages.(btw this is supposed to be an inspirational book about a women finding her self and God and all that jazz) than of course i got to about the 4th page and she was talking about her beliefs in God. it all sounded quiet flimsy and weak but about as much as i would expect from this book. but i pretty much agreed with her till i got to the sentence "i dont believe Christ is the only way to God". oh great shes one of those people................ahhhhhhhhhh. she pretty much beliefs that all Gods are the same from what i can tell. she is a hippie nut job. she talks to her inner self in a notebook. she has a two sided conversation in that notebook. can you say schizo? plus she like worships this India women spiritual leader who she has never met. as well she is on and off antidepressants. she is seeming more and more unstable and ridicules to me and iv hardly read any of the book. what amazes me more is, people are actually buying this crap!!!!!!!!!!!!!! their are thousands of people out their eating up every word she says!!!!!!!!!!! are you serious??????? hello??? am i the only sane one left in the world??? you really think this women found some type of enlightenment? wow I'm giving up on people at this point.