wow

when i think about how far i have come in life its pretty amazing to me. not to be like ohh yea I'm soo awesome! no its not that its just that how i was before i never would have been able to do the simple things that i do in my life now. people dont really understand how truly trapped i was in that time of my life. i guess its cuz i rarely talk about it, idk i dont really like to. cuz first of all i dont like to remember it and second of all I'm sure its pretty boring to most people. but i want to write about it today so i guess i will. OK so when i was a kid (and when i say kid i mean my middle school years) i was really really living in a state of panic. over just dumb things honestly. every day pretty much i would break down into panic attacks and not be able to breath and i would cry uncontrollably. and i just wouldn't be able to stop, even after the panic was gone i would still be crying cuz i was upset that i lost control again. i would go into panic over everything! the weirdest thing i went into panic over was escalators. i could not! go on escalators i would scream if any one forced me to go on one. i dont know why i just couldn't do it. i wouldn't ever talk to people. i was afraid if i talked people would make fun of me. i could go days with out saying more than i few words. but obviously that didn't really help with my whole popularity thing in school so they would still make fun of me and i would silently break down and try not to cry during class. its awful that kids dont realise the impact of their words. i remember i would sit in my room every day after school and cry for hours. i would replay everything the kids had said to me and promise myself that i would kill myself before i had to go back to deal with them another day. thankful i never had the guts to go through with that promise. so any ways i was super skinny as a kid and part of the reason i was was because i would never eat any where other than my house or a restaurant. i couldn't eat at other peoples house i was too shy they would always ask me if i wanted this or that and even though i did i just couldn't eat or drink. even when i was in a restaurant i would have a hard time with it, my younger brothers would have to order food for me. i was so trapped by my fear. i cant even describe the pure terror that i lived in. idk i dont want to talk about it any more.