scary

OK so like i put in an earlier post i have UC. well i don't like medicine like i said but I'm going back on it. its to dangerous for me not to be on it. my grandma found out how bad i was bleeding and freaked out! but I'm glad she did, it made me understand how serious this really is. i forget how serious this could turn because iv had it for so long. i should have realised how bad its been getting lately, i mean there were so many signs. i guess i just didn't want to deal with it so i ignored them. the biggest sign should have been when i almost passed out when i was on stage with the choir, that should have been a big sign that i don't have enough blood in my system. if i had to guess id say that my anemia has gotten really bad sense last time it was checked. its not like i was just bleeding a little, more like i could bleed out if this doesn't get fixed. God has a way of bring things to light hu. i know God made this come to light at my grandmas house because shes the only one who would really push the issue. i think this is Gods way of saving me from my stupidity. i thought i had things so under control, like if i wished hard enough this would go away. but this isn't something that is going to go away on its own, this could kill me. and not just because i could get cancer from it like i said, i could die from simple lack of blood. i could pass out while driving from lack of blood and get in a crash. i mean there are so many things that could happen. wow I'm just starting to understand how serious this is, i cant believe I'm gonna say this but i cant wait for my medicine to get here. ill feel much safer once i start taking it. God I'm glad not that many people read my blog, i really don't want people to really know about this. yea i know I'm posting it on the Internet but i don't want people to know? stupid yea i know but i can just get my thoughts out faster when i type and my thoughts are going a million miles an hour right now. well i guess i do almost want people to know, well i want them to know in theory but not in reality. i want to be able to talk about it with some one but at the same time i don't know if id be able to talk about it. first of all i feel dumb for not taking medicine in the first place and second of all most people cant really understand. third of all i hate having this. I'm 17, 70 year olds are supposed to have this. and last but not least i hate just i don't know, i guess the weakness that comes along with having this. the anemia that UC causes really does make you weak. i try to play it off like I'm just not athletic and that's way i don't run or i like being so pale. but truth is i cant run without out gasping for breath and I'm pale cuz i don't have enough blood to give my skin color. i honestly feel crappy alot of the time because of it but i don't let people know. i just don't want them to know. its humiliating to be so weak. a little bit of me is jealous, that everyone else seems to be healthy but I'm crippled but this. of course that's a stupid thought other people have it just worst than me. i need to just get over my pride and take care of my self, even if it is embarrassing some times.