liebe

so me and jay are dating. :) everyone is freaking out its so funny. I'm not sure how everyone is not like well duh and are all shocked lol. i guess it might me that we are so different. and the age difference probably messes people up too cuz I'm a junior and hes a freshman. but i could careless about the age difference, age is a useless number that stops mattering after 18 so why should it matter now? idk i guess were just kinda of last people that any one would ever expect to go out lol. idk it just makes me laugh that everyone is so crazy about it. tomorrow is gona be crazy cuz I'm going to see everyone from church for the first time since everyone found out lol. I'm totally going to be killed with ?s.

youth convention

OK so youth convention was great. god just spoke so clearly to my heart. before youth convention i was seriously doubting if god ever cared about me but youth convention just confirmed in my heart that he did. the first night was probably the most powerful to me, Johnny Wilson (i don't think I'm spelling his name right)talked about how we don't think we are worthy of talking to god. iv never thought that i was worthy to talk to god i always thought i was too idk wretched to talk to him. some times i would pray to god that i would think of my self as worthy of him and than immediately i would change my prayer because i didn't think i should think of myself as worthy. when johnny reminded me that we are god's children it just hit me. it seemed so simple but it was such a big epiphany to me. I'm gods daughter and a daughter never wonders if they are worthy to go to their father. i was at the alter just crying about about how i so want to see my self as worthy of god and then johnny said something that hit me even harder. he said for all the people who have just always felt broken to raise their hand. that is exactly how i have always felt, i just always described my self as broken. most of the time i didn't even know why i felt so broken but the pain of it would turn me inside out and bring me to my knees. i still dont know why i feel broken (and yes i say feel present tense) but i am now continually praying that god will make me feel whole. that was an awesome night. and both nights god just pushed the point that i should be searching after him, that some times god comes after me but other times i need to go after him. i just love god so much i hope that this feel will last and i hope that i will continue to chase after him.

jouranl entrie 9/21/09

jays comment keeps running wild through my thoughts. when i told him i wanted to go to masters commission he just straight out laughed, is the thought of me in masters that far fetched? i know him and everyone else thinks I'm a loser who wont do anything with my life who never tries hard at anything. i just don't see the point in wasting my energy on things i don't love and have passion for. i just haven't found anything i really truly love end even when i do i doubt its going to be something i can show off. i refuse to put my heart into something i don't care about. I'm tired as being seen as the worthless one or second or third best. i just want to be the best at something for once. i hate the way people view me on these things. I'm not lazy. I'm not trying to be seen as worthless. i don't know i just hate my life right now.



i still struggle with this some times. I'm not talented at singing or dancing or stuff like that. i don't have what i like to call stage-able talent. i can write, i can read (yes that's usually not seen as a talent but I'm a really good reader i mean i started reading harry potter in hmmm 2nd grade), i can write poetry, i can understand books well (books that most people have to dissect and study to figure out the meaning right way ex: scarlet letter, pride and prejudice, shakespeare), i can understand people well and have a talent of making people feel comfortable. I'm good at these things but they aren't exactly things that give me the luxury of showing off. so some times i feel like every one thinks I'm a loser. a part of me knows that people don't think that I'm a loser but a larger part of me screams that they think that and their right. mostly I'm just an insecure person so every little comment is a blow to my confidence. i just need to work on being or sure of my self and not worrying so much about every little comment.

journal entrie 8/16/09

i wish i could disappear. i wish once in a while i could just disappear off the face of the earth and float around in the nothing space between heaven and earth. i hate Ryan right now and i want honestly to just wash my hands of him, to say that's enough and move on. find a nice guy who is a christian and completely different from Ryan. I'm so tired of him, I'm tired of watching him do nothing spiritually, even if it means losing me. I'm tired of just waiting around for him to do something. I'm stuck here because of him and i hate it. i don't know if i even like him any more but i still feel like i have no choice like I'm going to be with him forever whether i like it or not. seeing how he is right now i don't want to be with him forever, i don't want to ever be with him. I'm so angry and hurt and i hate him and that i was ever with him.



OK so this was about the time when i was realizing that i didn't want to be with Ryan any more. we were broken up but both were still hoping that one day after we got our act together that we could be together again. i was trying to motivate him to grow spiritually because i needed him to actually be a spiritual leader if we were ever going to be together. he though didn't do anything, he didn't try to grow he didn't care. it made me understand that i didn't want to be with someone would didn't care enough to try. it opened my eyes to the real conditions of our relationship, it suxed. mostly for me, i was putting all i had into the relationship and from what i could tell he couldn't careless. i just remember writing this, sitting on my back porch in the pitch dark and thinking how tired i was. i wanted to disappear because i just wanted to rest.

past

so I'm gona put but some old journal entries later tonight. i figure if I'm going to do this whole letting people inside my head thing than i should do it right. i think that you should be able to see my past because even though its over its still a part of who i am. just to warn you i will put what i wrote word for word so if its completely crazy so be it. ill explain what was going through my life at the time and what i was thinking while writing it if i remember. also I'm going to put up some of my poetry (at some point probably not today). it might be awful but i kinda like it so I'm gona put it any ways.

secret message

(do i think any body will understand this? nope! but I'm gona put it any ways)

on the mouth

(that is my secret message)

secret

i hate having things that i cant talk with any body about. i rarely have things that i have to keep to my self but when i do it kills me. i have to get it out some how else i would lose it. that's usually when i reach for my journals or in this case my blog. only problem with a blog is that i cant really say something that i cant talk about because some one could see it very easily.

sensitive

back to that sensitive thing real quick, i don't like people to know I'm sensitive because i have a theory that if people did know i would get crushed. I'm definitely afraid it would get used against me.

so I'm actually a really sensitive person but most people don't know that. people that are really close to me do but for the most part people don't know. i put on this act like I'm just this really laid back person that doesn't really care about much and is never offended by anything. and yea i can take a joke, i can have fun with people and be good humoredly sarcastic. ( i don't think humoredly is a word but I'm gona use it any ways). but even though i can joke around with people and i don't take every joke seriously some stuff does get to me. usually its just little stuff, stuff that no body really remembers but i do. i take it all in and i feel the full weight of the blow. i will sit up at night and go over and over and over again what went wrong in a conversation even if the conversation was perfectly fine. i relive what they said and vow to never make the mistake again. if people ever bothered to notice they would see quite plainly the stuff that bugs me. if some one was joking around and for example said i talk to much if you paid attention you would see that from that point on i stop talking so much in front of them. i come up with these little rules for each person im around i remember what it is im not suppost to do around them. its crazy i know but i do it. i cant help it i just hate not having people like me.

different time

some times i wished i lived in a different time. maybe the 50s or 1800s when girls had less choices. yea that sounds so crazy, im a girl i should be all like yeah womens rights! lol no im werid and would like less chioces. i wish i lived in a time when my life was pretty much already planned out for me. like: you are women you become a cheerleader, you date high school football star, you get married, you have 2.5 kids, you are a stay at home mom, your a pta mom, than you die. case closed end of story. ok so maybe i wouldnt really like that in fact i would proably go crazy be a rebel that disgraces the family and wears pants instead of a dress just to piss off my parents. yea im thinken thats how it would really go considering cheerleading, football stars, 2.5 kids, and pta make me sick to my stomach. but when i just have a ton of uncertainy in my life i tend to wish i could have a lot less choices. so that i would know exactally were im going. i hate not knowing things, im the most curiuos person ever. i want to know everything, i want to know what to do and why im doing it and how its going to be done. i hate not knowing the answers to those questions. i guess life would be a lot more boring if i always knew how things would turn out but at the same time i cant stand not knowing. argggggggggg

jay

:) what to say about jay. maybe i should start out by saying hes my best friend. i can hardly remember what it was like before he was my best friend yet in all actuality it hasn't been that long. i haven't had many best friends in my life the only other one i can think of is Jessica corley and that was in elementary school. i couldn't ask for a better best friend than jay. he listens to me even though I'm freaken crazy and probably scare him out of his mind with half the stuff i say. he doesn't get annoyed when i txt him all the time or at least doesn't tell me hes annoyed lol. its kinda funny that we are best friends because we probably couldnt be more different. I'm a girl, hes a guy. I'm tall, sorry jay ur short. I'm the whitest person ever, hes mixed. i listen really only to rock, he loves rap. im more reserved, hes crazy. i cant do any sports if my life depended on it, he skates. i cant think of any more examples but honestly we couldnt be more differnet lol. mostly though jay confuses me out of my mind.

God

iv found it harder and harder lately to believe in god. not that he is there, iv seen to much to not believe that he is there. but iv found it hard to believe that he actually cares what happens to me. he has been silent of late. and yea i know every one says god doesn't move you do (and some where in the back of my mind i know that). it seems like god has abandon me mid plan. I'm crying out to god and he is sitting there silent. do you care any more god? did u ever care? were all your promises lies? you never speak to me so why should i speak to you? if you love me so much than why do you leave me like this? iv never expected things to be easy but u said you would help me through all this or did i just think you said that? maybe your just a liar like everyone else. so if you care why don't you prove it oh powerful god!

window

you know a blog isn't as free as you would think. i cant say whatever i want on here in case for some strange reason some one ever does read it. i guess the only really reason i write in it is so that if some one does stumble across it they can glimpse a small window into my mind.

that im not sure about anything

confusing

i am so confused. i find it hard to even put into words what i am thinking. im not sure about anything any more. im not sure what im feeling im not sure if its right. what does it mean when i talk to you and i feel it all the way down to my toes. im almost 100 percent sure that you have never thought of me that way. im also 100 percent sure you don't mean what u say the way im taking it. im also 100 percent sure your not as confused as me. im also 100 percent sure im crazy. im 100 percent sure it would never work. im also 100 percent sure that if any body read this it would get misconstrued. im also 100 percent sure i will never have the courage to find the answers to the questions that haunt my mind. im also 100 percent sure

theme

i want a theme to my life. lol yea that sounds werid but i want a phrase or something that i live mylife by. you know like those people that have one phrase or word or thought that they hold on to, that they repeat every day and draw strenght from. i wish i had a phrase like that.

depression is possibly the worst feeling ever. It holds on to you and chocks you and keeps you right where it wants you. I can not describe the utter hopelessness that depression holds. the best way i could describe is swimming. that moment when u have just dived down to the bottom on the pool and u start to swim back to the surface and your running out of air. your so close to the surface yet you feel like you are never going to make, the water is pushing down on you and the sunlight above the surface glimmers just out of reach. depression is like being forever stuck in that moment. i don't know if depression ever leaves you, yes i think you can get out of a depression but i don't know if you will ever go through your life without having moments of depression. even though my hard core period of depression is long gone there are still moments where i feel it as strongly as if i was right in the middle of it. moments when i am crippled by the feeling of utter worthlessness, some times its hard to look in the mirror without being sick to my stomach. yet i know out of all the hard times iv had iv only felt a shadow of what others have felt. that makes me feel pathetic and amazingly hopeful at the same time. i feel pathetic because i feel like i should be able to feel joy in my life especially compared to what others lives have been like. it makes me realise that my life is not so terrible and that i should stop my stupid whinnying. it also makes me feel hopeful though, to know that others have made it out of this and have amazing beautiful lives and that one day i can to. it also makes me hopeful for others that are going through this, others that i know i will be brought into contact with and that it will be my job to help. it gives me hope that i can find some way to reach them. it also makes me realise that im not alone and there is nothing in this world that some one else hasn't already felt.