Thursday, April 1, 2010
depression is possibly the worst feeling ever. It holds on to you and chocks you and keeps you right where it wants you. I can not describe the utter hopelessness that depression holds. the best way i could describe is swimming. that moment when u have just dived down to the bottom on the pool and u start to swim back to the surface and your running out of air. your so close to the surface yet you feel like you are never going to make, the water is pushing down on you and the sunlight above the surface glimmers just out of reach. depression is like being forever stuck in that moment. i don't know if depression ever leaves you, yes i think you can get out of a depression but i don't know if you will ever go through your life without having moments of depression. even though my hard core period of depression is long gone there are still moments where i feel it as strongly as if i was right in the middle of it. moments when i am crippled by the feeling of utter worthlessness, some times its hard to look in the mirror without being sick to my stomach. yet i know out of all the hard times iv had iv only felt a shadow of what others have felt. that makes me feel pathetic and amazingly hopeful at the same time. i feel pathetic because i feel like i should be able to feel joy in my life especially compared to what others lives have been like. it makes me realise that my life is not so terrible and that i should stop my stupid whinnying. it also makes me feel hopeful though, to know that others have made it out of this and have amazing beautiful lives and that one day i can to. it also makes me hopeful for others that are going through this, others that i know i will be brought into contact with and that it will be my job to help. it gives me hope that i can find some way to reach them. it also makes me realise that im not alone and there is nothing in this world that some one else hasn't already felt.
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amen, sister.
ReplyDeletehave you ever felt really crabby and no matter who walks up to you and no matter what they say, you want to throw rocks at them? yeah, that's when you have to realize it's your emotions going crazy and it's not that person CAUSING you to feel crazy. i mean, certainly, people can make you feel worse (hello, little brothers!), but you have to be aware of your own state of mind. repeat after me: you have to be aware of your own state of mind. and know that you and the people around you probably aren't the cause of the way you feel.
here's what i've learned about depression and anxiety in the last year or two. for me, it's cycle-related. and i won't get too specific, but let's just say PMS x 9billion.
and even though i know that, i have spent many days trying to convince myself that i need to "fix" something. i kept thinking: if i feel so horrible and anxious, i must be trusting God "wrong" or not at all. and i finally had to realize that on those days, i thought that my focus went off of God and CAUSED the anxiety. but i was being tricked. it wasn't that i all of a sudden stopped trusting God and was therefore anxious, but it was my physical body with chemicals out of whack that caused the anxiety and swirling emotions.
in order to manage those days, i DID have to make sure that my focus didn't go away from God and onto my circumstances (which WAS the anxiety), and i had to find a way to take my head out of the swirling emotions and know that trying to "fix" it always sent me into a spiral. (if i feel this way i must being doing something wrong, but what am i doing wrong, i can't figure it out, maybe everything i do is wrong, maybe i've been wrong this whole time, maybe i just have no idea how to hear/serve/love God at all... and on and on!)
when your chemicals are thrown off, your emotions are thrown off, then your brain tries to figure out what's going on. so, for me, it's more likely that it hits for no apparent reason and i can't figure out why and i can't just shake it. i just have to ride it out (sometimes hiding in my house until it goes away). circumstances can certainly exaggerate it or alleviate it - and i have to be self-aware and not let my emotions take over.
love you love you love you love you!