i wish i could disappear. i wish once in a while i could just disappear off the face of the earth and float around in the nothing space between heaven and earth. i hate Ryan right now and i want honestly to just wash my hands of him, to say that's enough and move on. find a nice guy who is a christian and completely different from Ryan. I'm so tired of him, I'm tired of watching him do nothing spiritually, even if it means losing me. I'm tired of just waiting around for him to do something. I'm stuck here because of him and i hate it. i don't know if i even like him any more but i still feel like i have no choice like I'm going to be with him forever whether i like it or not. seeing how he is right now i don't want to be with him forever, i don't want to ever be with him. I'm so angry and hurt and i hate him and that i was ever with him.
OK so this was about the time when i was realizing that i didn't want to be with Ryan any more. we were broken up but both were still hoping that one day after we got our act together that we could be together again. i was trying to motivate him to grow spiritually because i needed him to actually be a spiritual leader if we were ever going to be together. he though didn't do anything, he didn't try to grow he didn't care. it made me understand that i didn't want to be with someone would didn't care enough to try. it opened my eyes to the real conditions of our relationship, it suxed. mostly for me, i was putting all i had into the relationship and from what i could tell he couldn't careless. i just remember writing this, sitting on my back porch in the pitch dark and thinking how tired i was. i wanted to disappear because i just wanted to rest.
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