jays comment keeps running wild through my thoughts. when i told him i wanted to go to masters commission he just straight out laughed, is the thought of me in masters that far fetched? i know him and everyone else thinks I'm a loser who wont do anything with my life who never tries hard at anything. i just don't see the point in wasting my energy on things i don't love and have passion for. i just haven't found anything i really truly love end even when i do i doubt its going to be something i can show off. i refuse to put my heart into something i don't care about. I'm tired as being seen as the worthless one or second or third best. i just want to be the best at something for once. i hate the way people view me on these things. I'm not lazy. I'm not trying to be seen as worthless. i don't know i just hate my life right now.
i still struggle with this some times. I'm not talented at singing or dancing or stuff like that. i don't have what i like to call stage-able talent. i can write, i can read (yes that's usually not seen as a talent but I'm a really good reader i mean i started reading harry potter in hmmm 2nd grade), i can write poetry, i can understand books well (books that most people have to dissect and study to figure out the meaning right way ex: scarlet letter, pride and prejudice, shakespeare), i can understand people well and have a talent of making people feel comfortable. I'm good at these things but they aren't exactly things that give me the luxury of showing off. so some times i feel like every one thinks I'm a loser. a part of me knows that people don't think that I'm a loser but a larger part of me screams that they think that and their right. mostly I'm just an insecure person so every little comment is a blow to my confidence. i just need to work on being or sure of my self and not worrying so much about every little comment.
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