connection

i feel really alone most of the time. i know that is also greatly my fault. I'm not good at reaching out to people. i have a hard time believing any body would want to be friends with me so i purposely drop out of peoples lives alot. i know this is probably the biggest hold the devil has on me, loneliness. its the reason iv dated many of the people iv dated. its the reason why some times i drop down into a depression. its the reason why some times when things get really really bad i cut. (but for the most part i am greatly over that). its the reason why i think very little of my self. honestly when it comes right down to it its the root of most of my problems. if i really want to think about why it has much a strong hold on me id say it starts in my house. it starts with my family and how our house is run. now don't get me wrong i love my family alot. i wouldn't trade them for the world, i would rather have my crazy messed up family than any other family in the world. but at the same time you have to understand my family. we all love each other but we are greatly uninvolved in each others lives. even my parents are not really involved in me and my brothers lives. i have very few rules, the only rules are get good grades do your chores and stay out of each others way. of course its not like i get to do whatever i want i still have to ask my parents to go out and stuff. but unlike other parents my parents do not ask who is going to be there what are you going to do blah blah blah, the only thing they care about is if i have a car to drive their and if i have money for gas. i usually tell my parents whats going on any ways but that's just cuz i don't have any thing to hide. so any ways with school I'm supposed to get good grades and i do cuz school has always been easy for me but my parents would never know if i didn't. they never look at my report card, they don't even know when it comes out. so you kinda understand what i mean when i say where not involved in each others lives? we are more like room mates than family. its gotten better over the years honestly, this year is really the first year iv ever been able to talk to my parents about any thing. when i was in middle school it was really bad. we were sooo disconnected from each other that my parents didn't ever realise i was depressed. i mean Mrs. Leola my neighbor knew i was depressed. well i don't know i cant talk for them maybe they did know i was depressed but if they did they didn't do anything about it. at that time as Mrs. Leola stated it i was living in a neglected home. blah i hate talking about this. it makes my parents seem like such bad people but really really aren't. they just are not the greatest parents. its just in my house everything is very much fend for your self. so it makes me very independent. i don't really know how to lean on other people and how to trust other people. but mostly what bugs me the most is that i don't know how to be there for other people. i really want to help people most of the time but i have no clue how to. i don't know the words to say or the things to do. mostly i just try to listen to people, i think some times people just need to be listened to. but when it comes to be comforting them i want to so bad but I'm usually stuck saying wow that sux cuz i have no clue what to say. its so frustrating. on the inside I'm dieing to reach out to people to have lasting friendships but some thing in me every time some one gets too close pushes they away. not that i haven't been getting better with it, iv actually gained some friends this year but i worry it wont last. gosh its so just fustarting! its such a slow process learning how to connect with people.