robbie

im so fusturated and angry and just gahhhhhhh. i want to reconnect with robbie i do but what am i suppose to say, hey robbie i know you totally ditched me as a friend exactly when i needed you most but can we please please please still be friends forget all the hurtful stuff i said i was just angry with absolutely not reason, you had every right to abandon me even though i had been nothing but a good friend so can we just forget this last year and be friends again??? like hell im going to say sorry to him. im so tired of every time in my life when i take a stand for my self and dont take the crap everyone else seems to want to dish me that i get this whole reputation that im the bad guy. it happens every time and it makes me so angry. like with ryan, i broke up with him because he continually hurt me in every way possible and now that we are back together and we talk about back then all that seems to come up is how much i hurt him by leaving. are u serious???? with corey, he slept with me then dumped me but in his eyes i was the freaken anti Christ because when i told his friends what he did they choose to stop talking to him. and now its the same thing with robbie, he decided to stop being my friend when i was literally at one of the worst times in my life and yet im the bad guy for being mad about it. im so tired of this crap! of course im freaken angry!!! and it pisses me off even more that no one will just admit that i have a real reason to be upset. that no one will stop acting like im over reacting and that i should just give in and go apologize for something i have no reason to apologize for. and whats more i have never gotten a sorry from robbie, hes never just admitted what he did and just truly said sorry without all the crappy excuses. i honestly feel like i could forgive him if he did that, if he just looked me in the eyes and said he was truly sorry for all that happened but i doubt that will happen because again im the bad guy.

Alaska

im scared about going to Alaska more than anything that iv ever faced in my life before. im scared to move half way around the world and to go to a place i know nothing about and to live with people i know nothing about. im honestly terrified of going. when people ask me about it i answer in very sort of clinical ways, i detach m life from the reality of what i really am going to do. but as i look at the masters commission site and i read the blogs of the students there i start to understand how out of my league it all seems. all of it seems so far above any of my understanding and im scared and dont really know what to think about my up coming trip to Wasilla. i dont know if i will be able to deal with all that God is asking me to do. i know that if God is asking me to do it he will be with me and i know that he doesnt plan on me failing but it all seems so out of my control and that scares me. i know that i am very much a control freak when it comes to the future but that seems to be the only way it doesnt scare me, if i all have to carefully controlled. its probably all part of the lesson God is trying to teach me, to hand over control to him, well its really difficult God because as much as a love you i dont trust you. thats a terrible thing to admit but its true.

about time.

i think it about time i stop comparing myself to other people. i always look other peoples facebook pages and think wow they are so amazing i wish i could be like that. and yeah they are really kool but the reason they are kool is because they are different from everyone and because they just decided to be themselves and not care what other people think and not try to be like anyone else. im never going to become some one that people look at and say wow shes really kool i wish i could be like her if im just trying to copy some one else. so its time for me to stop trying to be like them. i am me and i can be pretty kool.

if i could i would

if i could say anything to my parents it would be: trust me. i know what im doing. stop worrying about my plans and what im going to do, because i am going to be ok. God is taking care of me. i know you dont really trust that explanation but God really did tell me to go to Alaska and if he wants me there i know its going to be ok. im trusting God on this and if you cant trust him at least trust me.

pathetic

this is going to sound super pathetic but oh well i have to get my thoughts out some how or else im going to explode. i miss ryan. he's down in north Carolina for this wedding this weekend and i just miss him a lot. i feel like i havent seen him in forever even though i saw him on Thursday aka. about 3 days ago. i just miss him so much. and i guess just he's been doing alot of stuff while hes been down there so he hasnt really been able to txt a whole lot so im pretty much going crazy. i know this makes me sound really stupid and like such a teenage girl but screw it i dont care. i am a teenage girl and i miss him. i miss talking to him, i miss being around him, i just miss him. it makes me worry about when i go to Alaska. i mean if hes only one state away now and i can barley keep in contact with him and i miss him terribly how is it going to go when im on the other side of the country and in a different time zone and much busier than i am now? im so worried about it. i dont know how i am going to deal with it, i mean i guess i will be busy so it will keep my mind off it but still i feel like im going to be going crazy missing him. i miss him so much.

why?

why must he still torture me after 6 months?

Corey

does he ever think of me? cuz he always on my mind. i feel pathetic i just watched a youtube video he filmed but wasnt in so that i could hear the sound of his voice. does he ever wonder about me? dout it

hannah :)

i loveeeeeeeee my best friend hannah abbou!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she is so super awesome! lol but seriously i really do love her. i only met her at the beginning of this year and we only started to be really close these last few months but i feel like iv known her for forever. i cant be my absolute crazy and insane self that iv hidden from the world for so long around her. she makes me question going to Alaska because i dont want to leave her. i know i need to go but seriously its hard for me to think of leaving her. i think ill probably miss her the most. im so worried im going to move to Alaska and she is going to move on and get a new best friend and she will forget all about me. im also worried that i will allow myself to drop out of her life because im moving and i feel like she wont want to be friends with me when i move away. i dont know im weird im jst worried cuz i love her alot and i dont want her out of my life ever. i want her to be the friend iv had sense high school and were super close even when were 40 and have a zillion kids that are driven us crazy. i want her to be the friend i keep for the rest of my life, that no matter where i travel or what happens in my life i pick up the phone every day and tell her about it. she is my nana osaki.

some times

some times i feel like the most boring piece of crap ever. some times i wonder why people hang out with me when i am so darn boring. and it kinda makes me hate myself. i dont know not hate myself but just become frustrated. i cant feel the person im suppose to be and i know that person is pretty darn awesome but its like i cant get to that person. i know this sounds dumb cuz this isnt the reason that i have a blog or tumblr but when i see no one reads my blog and my only follower on tumblr is my best friend i feel like such a loser. i feel like im just so boring that no one would ever want to know whats going on in my head. but what makes me sadder is that i keep posting stuff because even though no one cares i want them to so bad.

you

some thing that has always bugged me is that you've never really admitted what happened. you feel so bad for cheating on me, but that doesnt even really hurt me. i always kinda suspected you did. when we first started dating i just had this feeling i dont know how to explain but it was like i could feel you were being untruthful but of course i didnt ask. how crazy would i have looked if in the first week of our relationship i asked if you were cheating? but i felt it and i chose to forget about it. its been behind me for a long time. what bugs me is that you dont understand what really hurt me in the relationship. ill try to put it in the most straight forward way possible because part of me thinks you never understood what i was saying. i feel like you molested me through out our whole relationship. not that i didnt do stuff with you willingly but i also think you molested me a lot. i also feel like you raped me, i feel like you took my first time away from me. that hurts so much more than the cheating. i deal with that everyday. it makes it hard for me to realize when a guy is a jerk because i dont understand that i have a right to say no. i dont say this cuz i want to make you feel bad that is the last thing i want. i just want you to understand. i dont even want you to say sorry. i just want you to understand where my hurt comes from. and im sorry i always seem to bring this up cuz i feel like i do. im sorry.

him

i can feel my self falling for him again and it kills me. it makes me hate myself. over and over and over again iv hurt him and i dont want to do it again. i know he probably thinks that i dont care how he feels and that i dont care if i hurt him but i do. it hurts me just as much to hurt him as it would to cut my own heart open. i dont want to hurt him ever. i feel like such a monster all the time. i hate this constant will we wont we. i just want it to be finished in my heart. God has confirmed so many times that my current decision is right but its so hard to trust in that. im so scared that iv misinterpreted something. i want my grieving heart to be able to move on and stop hurting him. im so sorry i hurt him. im so sorry. i wish i could do something to make it easier for you. i wish i could take who i am and make to some one who u cant stand so u wouldnt be conflicted. i wish i was some one else so i could help you get over the selfish horrible girl who has been torturing you for so long. i wish i could do some thing.

losing my self

i havent wrote in here in a while. it makes me sad, it makes me feel like im losing part of who i am. as much as i say im good at writing and poems and stuff i dont write a whole lot. i want to be creative, i mean i am but i want it to fill more of a part of my life. i want to write more poems i want to draw more i just want to do more. i dont know im weird. i just dont want to loss what makes me me. i think im going to start writing poems and then drawing a picture to go with it. i think that would be awesome and it would force me to spend a good amount of time both writing the poem and drawing the picture. i like that idea.

why??????

why do i still think of him???? its been 5 months and i still think of him everyday........................

money

i know this is going to make me sound like a completely ridiculously privileged white girl (and maybe i am) but iv never had a problem with money. iv never really wanted for much and iv gotten use to there being a constant supply of money from my parents, not that i just got whatever i wanted when ever i wanted but if there was an event i wanted to go to my parents usually let me go. but this year i guess with it just been senior year and there being one zillion things to pay for money has been tight and i actually just had to choose between two events and honestly it sucked. i had to choose between prom and youth convention. i choose youth convention. i really really really really want to go to prom, iv always wanted to go to prom and it sounds like so much fun and iv waited all high school to go and its senior year and i was finally going to go but now i cant. im so sad cuz i was looking forward to getting all dressed up and dancing and just being a teenager but now all that is ruined. but i know that youth convention was the right choice because i know that God is more important than any silly prom could ever be its just i really want to go to prom :(................. i know God is important and i know that im doing the right thing but for me this is a big sacrifice. i know that thats stupid i know its just a silly dance and im being a completely retarded teenage girl but i want to go to prom so bad and iv really been looking forward to prom. i hate all of this and i hate myself and know dumb im being i shouldn't even be upset about this. im so stupid to be upset just cuz i didnt get everything i want. i like to think im different than the average teen girl but im not im just as stupid as most and im still crying over a dumb dance.

i told you so

i worst thing about deciding i don't like Ryan? knowing that their will be one million people there to say i told you so, i knew it wasn't right, of course your not suppose to be together.

i tried

i tried so hard to like him. to be what he needed me to be and for him to be what i needed him to be but the thing is its just not the truth. i want so badly to be able to say to Ryan that i really like him and that we are meant to be together but the thing is i don't feel that way about him. i know i could be mostly happy if i was with him and i know that he would provide for me. i know that he would help with my youth group dream and i know that our families work well together. i also know that i would make him happy. but i don't want to settle and i don't want to just have him be happy and i don't want for him to be second best. i want him to be so happy and i want him to have the best but i know that i'm not best for him and i know i wont make him the happiest. i really want to find the guy God has for me and i want to be so happy with him and i know that guy isn't Ryan. i think the reason that i keep going back to liking Ryan is because i don't trust God to bring me the person he has for me. i need to trust God and to be patient with all of this. i'm only 17 years old, its so hard to remember that some times. some times it feels like i need to be engaged and ready to marry already but the thing is i have a lot of time to just be me and to just be single. please Lord please help me to just trust you and to wait for your perfect timing.

unoriginal

today i had a moment where i felt more unoriginal than i ever have in my whole life. it was the worse feeling, it was like knowing in the bottom of my soul that nothing made me special. it happened when my friend Dana told me about how when she came to school early this morning she saw Corey in his car with a girl. (his gf) no big deal right but the thing was when me and Corey were dating we did the same thing. we sat in the parking lot before school and talked. i don't know why it effected me so bad i guess its just the fact that i though that was mine and his thing. so it really hurt so i did the only thing i knew how to do. i did what i learned to do from the movie garden state when you start to feel completely unoriginal. you move your body in some weird way and make a weird noise and you can say you just had a completely original moment because no one has ever done that exact thing in that exact stop before. it helped a little bit to do that.

love

i think my worse fear is that maybe, just maybe love isn't real. well maybe not that love isn't real but that its not as real as people make it out to be. what if love started out as this amazing couple who loved each other more than anyone now on this earth could imagine. what if all the cheesy lines they told each other weren't cheesy but true. what if somebody else saw what they had and wanted it so they took those cheesy lines and said them to their partner, just trying to get what that first couple had. but those lines were empty because they weren't true, they were just a false imitation of what love could truly be. what if this false empty imitation of love has traveled down through the generations and now its in romantic movies and on valentines day cards and whispered sweet nothings into peoples ears but its all a lie. not a cruel or ever purposeful lie but a lie non the less. how am i suppose to live with the fact that love could all be a lie.

Corey

the thing that really haunts me about my whole relationship with Corey is i cant understand how we went from how it was to how it is now. when i think of him the first thing that always comes to my mind is a certain very sweet night. it was a Monday i think, for some reason we didn't have school that day or Tuesday. we had spent the whole day together hanging out with friends and just being crazy, it was one of those days that were just perfect you know. we ended up going back to our friend Arron's house and his parents weren't home. me and Corey locked ourselves in Arron's sisters room. it was assumed by everyone that we were having sex and i haven't corrected anybody on that fact to this day because the memory of what actually happened it kinda special to me. i just don't want anyone to ruin it, i don't know, kinda crazy i know. we just laid on the bed and held each other and told each other our secrets and hopes and dreams. it is my favorite moment/memory with him. so when i see him the first thing i think of is that and the second is how he is now calling me a whore and easy. i just don't understand how we went from that night to how it is now. its not that i have feelings for him anymore or anything like that its just so difficult to understand. it hurts to see someone that i used to care about so much now have a deep hate for me, no matter how big of a jerk he is.

youth group

i dont remember how i ever fit in with the people in youth group before. i feel so disconnected from everyone. i feel like no body really wants to be friends with me. i dont know i just feel like everyone is tired of me. i dont know why and i dont know what i did but i feel like its true. i know its mostly my fault i know iv disconnected myself from everyone but i have no idea how to get back to how it used to be. i just feel so hopeless and alone. i cant stand this. i dont know what to do or how to change it. i want to change it so bad but i feel like its impossible. i feel like im barley trending water here. i want to swim instead of just not drowning.

high school

so im tired of high school. im so done with being there everyday for stupid classes that dont have any real meaning but mostly i just cant stand the people anymore. im really tired of going to school everyday and hearing the new rumor that Corey has made up about me for no reason other than the fact that he likes to torment me. as well most of my friends i made this year im realizing i dont really like. yea that sounds kinda mean and its not that i dont think their kool people and all that its just i cant be myself around them. i just dont feel like i fit in with them anymore. i truly dont feel like i fit in any where anymore, not even at church. i feel like people at church have grown tired of me and my constant mistakes. i dont know its probably all in my head but thats what it feels like. God i feel like i write the same thing in here all the time, about how i feel so disconnect from everyone. i really need to find a real way to stop this crazy cycle of loneliness. i need to find a real good friend who i can talk to about everything and who will understand me. idk maybe next semester ill find someone like that.