worse day ever

so can i just say this has been one of the worst days ever. im seriously glad i dont have a razor blade with me. (note to self: start carrying one around) im still at school right now so the torture hasnt ended. also i have anime club after school which is going to suck. i hate being around corey right now. its so fucking painful. i hurt every time i see him, its like some one is draging a dagger through my heart. mostly it just hurts because it seems like he doesnt give a crap. im guessing he has moved on, seems like the way hes flirting with luricia (or however the hell you spell her name) that he had more reason for the break than he let on. i hate this, i put on this fake smile like everything is alright. smiles are just lies wrapped in ribbon. if i was going to let everyone know how i really feel i would be crying nonstop. i wouldnt move i would curl up in the corner and cry and scream at everyone to leave me the hell alone. i want sad music. i want to drown in an ocean of sad songs. then set the ocean on fire with heavy metal. i know that doesnt make anysense but thats how i feel right now. i couldnt explain it better if i tryed. the most fucking up part is im addicted to this pain. i want to see him because i love him. i love him even though it causes me physical pain to be around him.

help

help is the only word that i can think. i feel like I'm drowning. me and Corey are taking a break. he called it. he said he wants to figure out if what we have is real and if what we have is real love. it just confuses me. it brings to mind one of my favorite quotes:

and ever has it been that love knows not its own depth till the hour of separation

i love that quote and i know it is true but honestly its painful actually living it out. i know that i love Corey i know that. their are so many things going through my mind right now. their are two very different paths for me to choose between right now. i have no idea what to pick idk if i even get the choice.

today was awful i felt like crying every second. it got better when i got home and i was happy for alittle while talking to people and just being silly. but now as it becomes night and im all alone again i feel like im lost. when the silence of night comes i cant help but think of corey and how much i want to be with him. how much it hurts me to not be with him. i feel like im adrift in the middle of the ocean. i feel like the waves are crashing around my tiny boat and im not sure if im going to make it or not.

Corey

so iv started dating this guy named Corey. its possibly the most interesting relationship that iv ever been in. for starters he goes to my school, iv never really dated someone who goes to my school. its so different from dating someone who lives 45 minutes away. i mean i get to see him every day and hes always just down the road. another thing that makes this so different is the fact that hes smarter than me. i know that's a weird thing to bring up but its so unusual for me to date someone smarter than me. in all my relationships iv been the smart one but hes a freaken genius. its slightly madding but kinda nice at the same time. its frustrating because i love being smart and some times him being so much smarter makes me feel dumb even though i know hes just smarter than everyone. even though it can be frustrating its nice because I'm not expected to be smarter. i dont have to act like i always have the answers, he can just be smarter than me and its fine. another weird thing is that hes not a christian. yea yea i know i probably should not be dating him if hes not a christian but i dont care at this point. yea i know that's awful that i just dont give a crap about my faith right now but its true i really dont care. i could pretend that i do and put on this little show but the truth is at this point in my life i just dont care. but regardless of all the oddness i really really like him. hes so different than i thought he was and unexpectedly sweet at moments.

Job hunting

i have come to the conclusion that looking for a job sucks. i am so awkward and nervous and i just cant apply for a job without looking completely spastic. i dont know how to act dont know what to say and of course my parents are uninvolved as normal so they dont help me. they just put pressure on me and it freaks me out and i just dont know how to deal with it. i have no clue how to do this whole job thing and it freaks me out so much. i want and need a job but im so scared to get one. i dont know why but the whole applying for a job process just scares me. arggg i hate this

labels

so I'm so desperate for a label that i looked up the word indie on google. which if you think about it doesnt make any sense because indie means independent, so its all about being yourself. but any ways they still gave you a how to one how to be indie (makes no sense!) and surprisingly i was alot the things they said to be. but i dont want to do something just because its the kool thing to do or because it fits into a label (ever if i do want a label pretty badly. i think maybe it would just make things easier). but any ways it says things like reads classic books, is smart and uses big words lol, watches indie movies and listens to indie music. i do all those things but iv just been doing it cuz i like it. the only thing was they said you should wear light colored cloths and i say never! i like my dark cloths and my slimming black everything! i dont care if it makes me look emo i love it so :p! I'm going to stop trying to conform to a label I'm just going to be myself. cuz honestly I'm a kool kid, and i kind of like the person i am, well most of the time i do lol. but the one good thing i learned from my indie searching is indie jesus! theirs a picture of jesus as indie, he has a sweater vest with a button up shirt under it with sleeves rolled up, he had riped jeans and flip flops (which i dont really like cuz mandels freak me out! guys should not wear flip flops!) anyways indie jesus looked pretty awesome

fu fu

iv had this stuffed bunny sense before i was born, it was given to my parents the Easter before i was born to be given to me. iv slept with him by my side pretty much everyday sense i was born. i know a 17 year old girl should not still sleep with a stuffed animal but..... i do. i love fu fu so much and the idea of not sleeping with him is painful to me. my parents have never really pushed me to give him up and I'm glad they haven't because i dont know if i really could. my grandma on the other hand hates him with a passion and thinks i should have gotten rid of him years ago. i just cant let him go. to get ride of fu fu would be just as painful to me as it would be to lose a friend. i know i sound super crazy like one of those people who collect beanie babies and have a million stuffed animals placed all over there house but its not like that. i dont really have an obsession over stuff animals just fu fu. this is going to sound weird but hes my most loyal friend. he has always been there for me. in times when i didn't have friends i would have him with me constantly and i find my self carrying him around whenever i get lonely. i dont know how to describe it hes just the biggest comfort ever. his "fur" is pretty rough just from years of wear and tear but its the most comforting feeling ever and when I'm upset i just have to have him touching my skin. even his smell is just comforting to me, to everyone else he probably just smells dirty but to me he smells idk just comforting. almost every time iv cried iv held him and used him to wipe my tears and every time iv been sick iv held him tight. i love him so much and i have no clue how i will ever be able to give him up. i going to take him to college, it might be a little ridiculous but i dont know if i would survive without him there. especially being so far away and away from everything that is comfortable I'm going to need him there. my grandma thinks i cant give him up because i associate bunnies with my mom, (which is true, at her funeral there was a bunny and also every time i go to her grave a bunny is there. so yea bunnies already have a soft spot in my heart) but that's not it. fu fu is the one constant thing in my life, no matter what has happened or what has changed he has been the constant. and he has just brought so much comfort to my life. gosh i know i sound crazy going on and on about a stuffed bunny like hes real but he just means so much to me. i cant even fully put into words how much this dumb stuffed animal means to me. i just love him.

mom

i hate when my mom does that. hate hate hate hate it! she just ignores me i could be in the same room as her trying to talk to her and she will just completely ignore me. its so childish and stupid. its not even that I'm bugging her or that I'm trying to get her to say yes to something. its nothing like that! any time i just try to talk about something that she doesn't feel like talking about she just ignores me. she does not have the ability to talk things out, she would just rather ignore me. its really hurtful. for example: i need to get senior pictures done as soon as possible because I'm not sure how soon i need to turn them in. as well I'm supposed to get them done before school starts and their is only about 2 weeks till school starts. she is supposed to get her friend to do them because she will probably give us a discount. OK kool that's fine i dont care who does them. so about once a week i have been asking her whats going on if the person has answered back to her email whatever. it has been 2 weeks sense she sent her email and the person has not answered back!!!!!!!! at all!!!!!!! OK I'm getting a little bit nervous that shes never going to answer back so tonight i asked if she had heard back from her. she said no so i said well shouldn't we call her or find some one else to do it cuz its been 2 weeks and she hasn't answered back. shouldn't we do that? guess who ignored me? OK shes sitting 2 feet away from me! you obviously heard me! and just because you dont want to deal with it doesn't mean that you can just ignore the problem! i still have to get senior pictures and obviously your friend is not getting back to you! but whatever dont talk to me about it that would be utter madness! I'm soo frustrated! and its so hurtful that she doesn't even care enough about the fact that I'm worried to talk it out with me. she just cares about herself and that's so just arggggggggg. i never feel good enough in this house i always feel like no one cares about me. i hate it so much.

hair cut

i want to cut my hair sooo bad. honestly I'm ready to just take a pair of scissors to it my self and screw waiting to go to the hair dresser. OK well i wouldn't really do that cuz i know that it would look horrible but i have an insane desire to cut my hair as soon as possible. i have no clue why! a few days ago i wasn't even thinking about cutting my hair for a long time in fact i was trying to grow it out! but now i want to cut it soo short that the longest part is barely going to reach my jawline. i am easily cutting 9-10 inches of hair off (i should probably donation it to locks of love but truly I'm too impatient for that). iv always wanted short hair but for some reason the thought never crossed my mind to actually cut it short. now that it has though its taken over. i cant stop looking at the picture of the hair cut i want and i keep thinking over and over again about the things that i do and dont want in my hair cut. i keep thinking about what i am going to tell the hair dresser so that she can get it exactly right. i am starting to hate! my long hair. its becoming a complete hindrance in my mind. but I'm really sick of my long hair. i feel like i hid behind it, like it gives me confidence, its starting to feel like a security blanket. i mean if my confidence wasn't wrapped up in it than why would it scare me to cut it? cuz it does, as much as i want to cut it it scares me out of my mind. i dont want that security blanket any more i want to be just confident in me. plus i feel like my hair cut will fit me better. i like my hair how it is, its pretty for sure but its not me. the new hair cut is a little bit more edgy. its short and that back is almost boy like yet the front is still soft and pretty. so i feel like it will fit me better. I'm a tom boy for the most part but at the same time I'm still feminine. I'm not one of those weird tom boys where your not sure if they are a girl or a boy,no i am most definitely a girl! so I'm super excited about this hair cut!! I'm a little nervous about the bangs part because iv never liked bangs on me but i think with this hair cut it will be good. I'm thinking about just cutting my bangs tonight. darn my impatience!

kirk

my brother kirk was going to church with me but now i think he is deciding not to. it makes me undescribable sad. i assumed (stupidly i guess) that he would be the first person in my family other than me to get saved. i was so happy to finally have another person in my family going to church with me. I'm always alone at church, i have the Houston's but i have no real blood family there. i want kirk to grow up to be an awesome man of God and i know that if he grows up with God he could be a really amazing guy. but i see the way that he is growing up and it breaks my heart. honestly hes growing up to be a jerk. hes mean to Kevin all the time and I'm pretty sure that he cusses when hes not around the family. he hangs out with people who are horrible influences. hes always trying to cheat people out of something. its so frustrating. kirk is honestly one of my best friends. OK maybe that makes me a dork that my little brother is one of my best friends but i see him that way. hes a really kool guy underneath all the jerkness and i want to be able to share the God part of my life with him. I'm just so frustrated. i wish i just had at least one family member who came to church with me.

screw up

I'm so scared on my own stupidity some times. right now i feel so out of control and burdened by my stupid faults. i know every one has faults and i know that every one messes up but i feel like i dont know like my faults out weigh my good qualities. iv messed up so many times and i feel like those mistakes are just waiting to get back at me. I'm so afraid people are going to see me for my faults. iv messed up so bad, i cant imagine if people knew the things i have done. i take full responsibility for what i have done but i just wish i wasn't so stupid. i fall for the same crap time and time again, its like i cant learn. i make the same mistakes thinking each time that it not a mistake because some one has pushed me into a new reality. the push new lines, new material, new promises, and i buy into this reality even though a big part of me knows that its not real. i buy into it though because i want it to be real. iv never wanted any thing so badly but for these worlds to be real. but of course they aren't and when the creator of this world has gotten all they have come for they slowly let my reality crumble. silly me though i just cant leave it at that, i actually try to pick up the pieces of this broken reality, like maybe i can put it back together. but i cant i have no control because iv given all my control away. i am such an inconceivable screw up. i wish i wasn't stupid enough to be so easily manipulated.

normal?

I'm not sure if this is normal or not but I'm not crazy enough to ask any body in case its not. so i might as well write it here. alright so i hate awkward moments a lot and yea i know everybody hates awkward moments but I'm not sure they do as much as me. when an awkward moment happens i have to hurt myself, i cant stop myself from doing it. i don't have to hurt myself a lot i just have to twist my fingers or wrist or foot till it hurts. i just have to do some small thing like that till i feel enough pain to distract me than i stop. i do it every time their is any awkward situation even if their is an awkward silence i do it. i also do it when i rethink of an awkward situation, i don't have to hurt myself as bad but i do have to cause pain. i truly have no control over it, i cant stop it no matter how hard i try. i guess it i had to compare it to some thing id compare it to people who have OCD. when they have compulsions and stuff and they just have to do it no matter how much they don't want to. iv done this for as long as i can remember so i just don't know if its normal or not. i really don't know if other people do it or if I'm just crazy.

lines

I'm sooo sick of guys lines. I'm sick of them telling me what they think i want to hear instead of the truth. i don't need to be feed some cheesy half thought out line that they picked up out of a romantic movie. i don't want to be feed a line that has or can been said to any other girl and have just as much meaning. i want the truth for once. the world is full of lies, and when i like a guy i want him to be the one person i can trust to tell me the truth. i don't like any body right now, I'm neutral, I'm Switzerland. but thing is that does not stop the stupid cave man like lines form being hear or rethought of. i think and rethink about the lines that have been said to me and it just makes me angry. what makes me the most angry though is when i fell for those lines.

Garret

so i have this really close family friend and his name is Garret. iv known him sense is was born and my family has known him for longer. i have always had a little school girls crush on him. this crush is completely and most definitely stupid. only because he is 24 so hummm 5 years older than me, I'm like his little sister, and he has a kid. but never the less every time i see Garret my heart goes crazy lol. he'd never look at me twice but that boy is cute!!! when I'm around him the dialogue in my head is so ridiculous. like he likes banana peppers and i hate them so this is the dialogue going on in my head: "oh you like banana peppers?" "well i don't, were a perfect match." "it doesn't matter that you have a kid and its completely illegal." "it will all work out because we will always have banana peppers." "i could order them with every meal and you can eat them because i hate them." see I'm completely crazy in my mind around him hahaha and obviously you cant base a relationship around banana peppers sooo I'm thinking its not going to happen. darn

aliens

you know how little kids like to play pretend and they image that they are cow boys or animals or whatever but eventually they move out of that stage and stop pretending. i never moved out of that stage. i still pretend stuff all the time. i don't let people know but most of the time i have a story going on in my head and I'm all these different weird things lol. like alot of the time i like to pretend that I'm a vampire hahaha cuz most of the time im pale and i have dark hair so i think i kind of look like one lol. i pretend that it takes a lot of self restraint for me to be around humans hahahaha. my other favorite thing to pretend is being a alien sent here to study humans. i pretend that its hard for me to fit in with the human race and i only do certain things because it is a very "human" thing to do. i people watch and i act like I'm observing people to try and understand them for the home planet so that we will be more successful when we take over!!! hahahaha the other thing i do is when I'm alone i pretend I'm a spy and sing the James bond theme music and i sneak down the halls at school or in church and twirl around and look around corners before i turn down them. i hold my fingers like a gun and some times shoot imaginary people. so yea I'm a little weird but its OK cuz its kinda fun.

scary

OK so like i put in an earlier post i have UC. well i don't like medicine like i said but I'm going back on it. its to dangerous for me not to be on it. my grandma found out how bad i was bleeding and freaked out! but I'm glad she did, it made me understand how serious this really is. i forget how serious this could turn because iv had it for so long. i should have realised how bad its been getting lately, i mean there were so many signs. i guess i just didn't want to deal with it so i ignored them. the biggest sign should have been when i almost passed out when i was on stage with the choir, that should have been a big sign that i don't have enough blood in my system. if i had to guess id say that my anemia has gotten really bad sense last time it was checked. its not like i was just bleeding a little, more like i could bleed out if this doesn't get fixed. God has a way of bring things to light hu. i know God made this come to light at my grandmas house because shes the only one who would really push the issue. i think this is Gods way of saving me from my stupidity. i thought i had things so under control, like if i wished hard enough this would go away. but this isn't something that is going to go away on its own, this could kill me. and not just because i could get cancer from it like i said, i could die from simple lack of blood. i could pass out while driving from lack of blood and get in a crash. i mean there are so many things that could happen. wow I'm just starting to understand how serious this is, i cant believe I'm gonna say this but i cant wait for my medicine to get here. ill feel much safer once i start taking it. God I'm glad not that many people read my blog, i really don't want people to really know about this. yea i know I'm posting it on the Internet but i don't want people to know? stupid yea i know but i can just get my thoughts out faster when i type and my thoughts are going a million miles an hour right now. well i guess i do almost want people to know, well i want them to know in theory but not in reality. i want to be able to talk about it with some one but at the same time i don't know if id be able to talk about it. first of all i feel dumb for not taking medicine in the first place and second of all most people cant really understand. third of all i hate having this. I'm 17, 70 year olds are supposed to have this. and last but not least i hate just i don't know, i guess the weakness that comes along with having this. the anemia that UC causes really does make you weak. i try to play it off like I'm just not athletic and that's way i don't run or i like being so pale. but truth is i cant run without out gasping for breath and I'm pale cuz i don't have enough blood to give my skin color. i honestly feel crappy alot of the time because of it but i don't let people know. i just don't want them to know. its humiliating to be so weak. a little bit of me is jealous, that everyone else seems to be healthy but I'm crippled but this. of course that's a stupid thought other people have it just worst than me. i need to just get over my pride and take care of my self, even if it is embarrassing some times.

connection

i feel really alone most of the time. i know that is also greatly my fault. I'm not good at reaching out to people. i have a hard time believing any body would want to be friends with me so i purposely drop out of peoples lives alot. i know this is probably the biggest hold the devil has on me, loneliness. its the reason iv dated many of the people iv dated. its the reason why some times i drop down into a depression. its the reason why some times when things get really really bad i cut. (but for the most part i am greatly over that). its the reason why i think very little of my self. honestly when it comes right down to it its the root of most of my problems. if i really want to think about why it has much a strong hold on me id say it starts in my house. it starts with my family and how our house is run. now don't get me wrong i love my family alot. i wouldn't trade them for the world, i would rather have my crazy messed up family than any other family in the world. but at the same time you have to understand my family. we all love each other but we are greatly uninvolved in each others lives. even my parents are not really involved in me and my brothers lives. i have very few rules, the only rules are get good grades do your chores and stay out of each others way. of course its not like i get to do whatever i want i still have to ask my parents to go out and stuff. but unlike other parents my parents do not ask who is going to be there what are you going to do blah blah blah, the only thing they care about is if i have a car to drive their and if i have money for gas. i usually tell my parents whats going on any ways but that's just cuz i don't have any thing to hide. so any ways with school I'm supposed to get good grades and i do cuz school has always been easy for me but my parents would never know if i didn't. they never look at my report card, they don't even know when it comes out. so you kinda understand what i mean when i say where not involved in each others lives? we are more like room mates than family. its gotten better over the years honestly, this year is really the first year iv ever been able to talk to my parents about any thing. when i was in middle school it was really bad. we were sooo disconnected from each other that my parents didn't ever realise i was depressed. i mean Mrs. Leola my neighbor knew i was depressed. well i don't know i cant talk for them maybe they did know i was depressed but if they did they didn't do anything about it. at that time as Mrs. Leola stated it i was living in a neglected home. blah i hate talking about this. it makes my parents seem like such bad people but really really aren't. they just are not the greatest parents. its just in my house everything is very much fend for your self. so it makes me very independent. i don't really know how to lean on other people and how to trust other people. but mostly what bugs me the most is that i don't know how to be there for other people. i really want to help people most of the time but i have no clue how to. i don't know the words to say or the things to do. mostly i just try to listen to people, i think some times people just need to be listened to. but when it comes to be comforting them i want to so bad but I'm usually stuck saying wow that sux cuz i have no clue what to say. its so frustrating. on the inside I'm dieing to reach out to people to have lasting friendships but some thing in me every time some one gets too close pushes they away. not that i haven't been getting better with it, iv actually gained some friends this year but i worry it wont last. gosh its so just fustarting! its such a slow process learning how to connect with people.

jazz

so i have a confession to make...... i LOVE jazz. iv loved jazz sense i was in middle school. i remember in middle school (sense i didn't have any friends lol) sitting in my room for hours and just listening to jazz on the radio. but you know how middle school is, people are quickly talked out of anything that isn't considered "cool". so i was talked out of jazz but my only friend at the time Jessica corley. Jessica was a kool kid and when i would try to get her to listen to jazz she would laugh at me and change the station to rap. so i stopped listening to jazz. but i think I'm going to start listening to it again. i don't really care at this point if its kool or not. i just know that i love everything about jazz. i love the way its spelled with the double zz and j. i love that you can play jazz without having a certain set song to play, that you can just make it up as you go along. i love that it was created by the first generation of freed slaves and that it feels as free as they did. i love that it doesn't have to be figured out, you can just listen to jazz and it inspires you without needed to understand it.

random

in the first willa wonka moive, you know the candy shop guy who sings the candy man song? alright so iv always hated this guy! even as a kid i was like wow this guy is a jerk. poor little charlie is super poor and is staring into the window just wishing he could eat some candy, and you know the candy guy sees him!!! and hes just handing out fists full of free candy to all those stupid greed rich kids!!! they could just buy the candy unlike poor charlie! why dont you give some candy to the poor kid mr. candy man! this is why i hate the candy man on willa wonka.

uc

i have a condition called UC. i dont know how to spell the big fancy words those letters stand for so yea. but its means that i have ulcers in my colon. i dont really like to talk about this cuz its super embarrassing. i mean its such an old persons condition but oddly iv had it sense i was 13 maybe 14. well that's when i was diagnosed with it iv had it as long as i can remember, seems like i was born with it lol. it really sux honestly. because of it i also have anemia (which means i dont have as much blood as other people). i have anemia because the ulcers make me bleed. so yea gross ummm any ways. when you have UC you have these things called flare ups which just means you have times when it becomes really bad when other times you hardly notice it. stress causes flare ups so if i get stressed it starts to hurt. other times it just hurts for no reason. like the worst time i was laying on the couch for two days hardly able to walk because the pain was so intense. i am supposed to take medicine for it but of course I'm stubborn. i was having to take over 80 pills a week and i just refuse to do that. i just cant live like that. i cant live my life dependent on pills. i know they help me but i hate living like that. its kind of like a double edged sword. i take the pills and its fixed but i am dependant on pills. i dont take the pills and i have this condition. also i know the longer i have this the more likely i am to get colon cancer. i dont want to get cancer but id rather chance it than have to take all those pills. i know that's stupid and ill regret it if i get cancer but....i just cant do it. for now I'm just praying that God will take it away from me. that he will heal me and i can be free of this. its not like he cant lol. i have hope that one day he will and i know it will just add to my testimony. one day i will be free of this but for now i have to deal with it.

wow

when i think about how far i have come in life its pretty amazing to me. not to be like ohh yea I'm soo awesome! no its not that its just that how i was before i never would have been able to do the simple things that i do in my life now. people dont really understand how truly trapped i was in that time of my life. i guess its cuz i rarely talk about it, idk i dont really like to. cuz first of all i dont like to remember it and second of all I'm sure its pretty boring to most people. but i want to write about it today so i guess i will. OK so when i was a kid (and when i say kid i mean my middle school years) i was really really living in a state of panic. over just dumb things honestly. every day pretty much i would break down into panic attacks and not be able to breath and i would cry uncontrollably. and i just wouldn't be able to stop, even after the panic was gone i would still be crying cuz i was upset that i lost control again. i would go into panic over everything! the weirdest thing i went into panic over was escalators. i could not! go on escalators i would scream if any one forced me to go on one. i dont know why i just couldn't do it. i wouldn't ever talk to people. i was afraid if i talked people would make fun of me. i could go days with out saying more than i few words. but obviously that didn't really help with my whole popularity thing in school so they would still make fun of me and i would silently break down and try not to cry during class. its awful that kids dont realise the impact of their words. i remember i would sit in my room every day after school and cry for hours. i would replay everything the kids had said to me and promise myself that i would kill myself before i had to go back to deal with them another day. thankful i never had the guts to go through with that promise. so any ways i was super skinny as a kid and part of the reason i was was because i would never eat any where other than my house or a restaurant. i couldn't eat at other peoples house i was too shy they would always ask me if i wanted this or that and even though i did i just couldn't eat or drink. even when i was in a restaurant i would have a hard time with it, my younger brothers would have to order food for me. i was so trapped by my fear. i cant even describe the pure terror that i lived in. idk i dont want to talk about it any more.

reminising

i love looking back at my journal entries but i hate it at the same time. its kool to look back and remember what i was feeling or thinking in that moment but i realise how stupid i was! i just see how completely immature i was but i thought that i was soo mature. even now i think that I'm a pretty mature person but i know later i will read my journals are see i was an idiot. it just makes me cringe to read what i thought my life would be like now. its so completely different and I'm so glad it is. I'm such a typical teenager and i cant think in future tense. i cant think or understand that things could be any different than they are right now. and that is the down fall of the youth because life is always changing and even in a few days things can be completely different than before.

fire works

so its 4th of July and of course their are illegal fire works every where. i was just watching fire works at my friends house, well kinda friend. we were really close in elementary school but of course people change and things happen and were not close any more. bottom line though she choose her other friends instead of me again and again despite the fact that i was the only friend who never betrayed her. so any ways whenever i hang out with her i end up being seen as the weird girl. the girl who has no friends, never leaves the house and is stared down by all her friends. she makes fun of me cuz she says i never go any where. yea ok i dont go a whole lot of places, i cant argue that. but most of the people i would ever want to hang out with are in Fairfax and i have to drive 45 minutes to see them. and i would do that every single day if it meant that i could hang out with them but thing is i have no money which equals no gas for my car and my mom doesn't love it when i borrow her car every other day. so that does not leave me open to a whole lot of hanging out time. and i would never hang out with her and her friends. her friends make me feel like a mutant, at least they look at me like i am one. first of all most of her friends are pretty and they dress in this tiny little outfits than barely cover their size 1 waist. and they ALWAYS hang out with guys, when your with them the guys are always comparing the girls in their minds. idk just the way they look at every one you can tell and i dont want to have to be compared to them. I'm never going to measure up to them, so that's the first reason i would never hang out with them. second reason is they are ALWAYS drinking or smoking or worst and i do not want to be around that. i dont drink or smoke so while everyone else is having a great time doing that I'm bored out of my mind. third reason i would never hang out with them is they are completely unoriginal. they are ALWAYS talking about the same thing, getting drunk, smoking weed, having sex, or the resent drama. well i dont care about any of that. its pointless and truly their lives are pointless. i mean what are they living for? that's sounds harsh but its true they are going no where fast. i dont want to get caught up in that idea of living for nothing. i mean i know i dont want to be like her so i shouldn't worry when she makes fun of me(it just means I'm doing something right) but the thing is it hurts it be seen as a freak no matter how much u love your inner weirdo cuz you know they dont love it. i dont know all i keep thinking about is my favorite type of fire works. i love the fire works who look like their nothing big but at the last second burst into beautiful sparkles. i think maybe (as cheesy as this sounds) I'm like those fire works. i might not look like anything great right now but just wait a second.

eat pray love

so i decided to read the book eat pray love. i saw the commercial for the up coming movie of it and thought it looked good. why waste a book, even if my grandma did give it to me. not that i have any problem with my grandma giving me books but this particular grandma is a grade A hippie. she is all in to the organic- find your inner self- read your palm crap. i agree with about 5% (if that) of what she says. not that i dont love her shes very nice but as far as taking an advice from her not going to happen. especially not love advice shes been divorced 3 times, the most resent divorce happened a year ago. yea shes not exactly my go to grandma. so any ways i started to read this book and it seemed pretty good for about the first 3 pages.(btw this is supposed to be an inspirational book about a women finding her self and God and all that jazz) than of course i got to about the 4th page and she was talking about her beliefs in God. it all sounded quiet flimsy and weak but about as much as i would expect from this book. but i pretty much agreed with her till i got to the sentence "i dont believe Christ is the only way to God". oh great shes one of those people................ahhhhhhhhhh. she pretty much beliefs that all Gods are the same from what i can tell. she is a hippie nut job. she talks to her inner self in a notebook. she has a two sided conversation in that notebook. can you say schizo? plus she like worships this India women spiritual leader who she has never met. as well she is on and off antidepressants. she is seeming more and more unstable and ridicules to me and iv hardly read any of the book. what amazes me more is, people are actually buying this crap!!!!!!!!!!!!!! their are thousands of people out their eating up every word she says!!!!!!!!!!! are you serious??????? hello??? am i the only sane one left in the world??? you really think this women found some type of enlightenment? wow I'm giving up on people at this point.

angery

OK so I'm straight up angry with Ryan. I'm so mad that i did the right thing and now hes all pissy with me. and i know that doing the right thing isn't always easy and i know that truly most of the time its not but argh I'm mad. i decided i didn't like Ryan and i didn't want to have a future with him and i wanted to leave all we had in the past. i know God is calling me on to bigger and greater things and i cant be hindered by my past. that sounds kind of mean but i dont mean for it to be. I'm not doing this cuz I'm mad or want revenge or anything like that I'm doing it cuz i know that's what God has called me to. i didn't want to lead Ryan on so i told him all this. i didn't want him to be under the impression that i still liked him and i felt that it would be better if i told him. so i did and honestly he seems really mad about it. and we had movie plans before all this with a bunch of friends and Ryan was my ride. hes really the only person who could give me a ride. well Randall could but its a big inconvenience to him but most likely now he will be driven me. he will be driven me because Ryan still hasn't decided if hes going to drive me. i guess after i said the friend thing he changed his mind about driven me. but he claims that we were always friends and he never treated me any differently than all his other friends before. BUT suddenly now that were truly friends he treats me like this. it was fine to go to the movie before now its suddenly not! what ! are you serious! this is such BS! i hate this its not at all fair! yeah life isn't fair blah blah blah! i dont care right now! i just for once would like to do the right thing and it turn out OK! I HATE THIS!!!!!!!! SERIOUSLY I KNOW I MESSED UP BUT FOR ONCE COULD I MESS UP ALITTLE AND IT NOT COME BACK TO BITE ME????????? IM A GOOD KID ALRIGHT I DONT WHAT IM SUPPOST TO ALL!!! THE TIME! BUT I CANT EVER CATCH A BREAK!!!!
OK OK i know that its not that serious and my life isn't to bad but I'm just frustrated. sorry if this kinda rambled but i just need to get my train of thought out. and scarily this if the format in which i think, in other words all out of order and crazy.

mom

my moms name was Angela Naylor (maiden name Bellerdine). she died April 7th 1994 she was 24 when she died. i was 8 months old when she died. some people i guess would say that i cant miss her sense i didn't know her but god i miss her alot. i miss her more than i could ever put into words. its kinda sad that i don't have any memories of her. i just have the words of others. it makes me jealous that these other people knew my mom and can tell me stories about her but me her daughter never knew her. i only know a few things about her, they seem pitiful and stupid compared to what most people know about their parents. but what i do know is: she was beautiful (she has the same dark hair as me but she cut hers short. she was 5'6 and a size 8 so around the same size as me. she had huge lips lol she had brown eyes but she wanted green eyes like i do she wore green contacts. she won most beautiful baby in NY when she was 1) i know she was an artist she took art classes in college and that's where she met my dad. she was 2 years older than my dad. i know she couldn't cook to save her life and would always invite her self over to her parents house to eat dinner. i know she loved! animals and she showed dogs as a kid. and when she was married to my dad she was always bringing home stray animals lol drove my dad crazy lol. i just found out about 10 minutes ago that she had OCD. my dad gave me the example that she had to keep touching the alarm clock and looking at the time over and over again before she could go to sleep. i know she was super funny. like one of the funniest people uv ever met and pretty much everyone loved her. i know she liked to write and i found a bunch of her journal stuff. and the last thing i know is she loved sour cream. she ate it on everything. but saddly thats pretty much all i know about her. it makes me so angery that so many people take their parents for granted or say they hate their parents when i would kill for a day with my mom. when the only "memorie" i have of her is a dream and i treasure that. i miss her so much and i wish she was here so i could talk to her about everything. their are so many things i wish i could talk to her about. it makes me angery with God some times. why out of every one was i choosen to not have a mom when all these other girls get to have one. I want my mom. didnt God know that? that i want her and that i was going to miss her. i know its not Gods fault but i just miss her. i hope i see her again one day but i worry cuz she was catholic so who knows where she is. man i miss her.

native american

i really wish that i was native American. yea that's a little weird but i just find their traditions beautiful. i love how connected they are to their heritage. don't get me wrong i love! my heritage, i love being German and italian. i really want to learn how to speak German and maybe italian. (i know German is kinda an ugly language but i love it. i guess its a comfort thing because i heard it all through my childhood) i worry oddly that my kids wont be connected to their heritage. i really want my kids to feel a connection to it. i guess that's why i wish i was native American because they are so connect all through the generations. culture is such a great thing but i dont feel like people now a days really value it.

me

its so hard to define me. like im constantly trying to figure out who i am and what makes me me but i never seem to get a grasp on it. i guess its because im always changing. im always changing my mind, i always think and rethink my views on things. so some body could ask me how i feel about some thing one day and i would give them a completely honest answer but the next day they could ask me the same thing but i would have a completely different view. some times it makes me feel like a lair cuz i give people different answers but im really not. im being honest every time i answer. i feel like a minor schizophrenic half the time because i have so many different sides to me.

right thing

i hate that some times the right thing isnt the thing you want to do. i hate that some time what i need to do is some thing that is going to hurt some one else. the most teenage why i can say it is this sux! i would love to just say how i feel but i know its not the right time. i know that things will work out better if i dont but its so difficult to wait till than. everything feels so unfinished. its like im in the middle of the storie and the writer has an ending in mind but hasnt put it on paper yet. things are just so unstable. i wish things could be more balanced but i know thats for later. i guess that if things were all figured out now it would take the joy out of later. and a part of me understands that but the other part of me doesnt want to deal with this inbetween time.

its been a while

so its been a while sence i wrote anything on here. so heres whats changed me and jay dated and broke up. currently i like ryan its very complicated. (its werid cuz it seems like from the outside that iv been jumping from guy to guy but i really havent been. idk its not like me to go from guy to guy idk its werid) school is about to end i only have 1 and a half days yay! lol thats pretty much all that has changed in my very boring life. lol. well the biggest issue currently in my life is that i need a friend. i dont have any close friends. i barley have friends as it is. i need to get a best friend because i dont talk about anything with any one i just write it all out. so i keep all my problems to my self i need to find some one who i can trust idk. i just have the hardest time becoming close frends with people. i see that they have this full life and good friends without me and i feel i have no business talking to them. i start to think that they have no room for me in their life. i still kinda think its true. i dont think that any one really wants me in their life. i mean who am i??? no one really knows me (thats my fault because i keep everything to myself) but i feel like people just like it better not knowing me. i think alot of people are fasinated by me cuz im kinda a mystery and im obvious different than other people. they of course cant figure out why because i dont let any one in. a part of me is afraid if i let people in and they see im not nearly as intersting as they imagine they wont talk to me any more. if their is no mystery than why would they talk to me. i dont really think its possible for people to just like me for me. im no one. im not intersting or a kool or anything special im just me. i cant see any reason for some one to hang around me. idk many thats stupid but thats how i think. i just dont think any one would want to be friends with me.

liebe

so me and jay are dating. :) everyone is freaking out its so funny. I'm not sure how everyone is not like well duh and are all shocked lol. i guess it might me that we are so different. and the age difference probably messes people up too cuz I'm a junior and hes a freshman. but i could careless about the age difference, age is a useless number that stops mattering after 18 so why should it matter now? idk i guess were just kinda of last people that any one would ever expect to go out lol. idk it just makes me laugh that everyone is so crazy about it. tomorrow is gona be crazy cuz I'm going to see everyone from church for the first time since everyone found out lol. I'm totally going to be killed with ?s.

youth convention

OK so youth convention was great. god just spoke so clearly to my heart. before youth convention i was seriously doubting if god ever cared about me but youth convention just confirmed in my heart that he did. the first night was probably the most powerful to me, Johnny Wilson (i don't think I'm spelling his name right)talked about how we don't think we are worthy of talking to god. iv never thought that i was worthy to talk to god i always thought i was too idk wretched to talk to him. some times i would pray to god that i would think of my self as worthy of him and than immediately i would change my prayer because i didn't think i should think of myself as worthy. when johnny reminded me that we are god's children it just hit me. it seemed so simple but it was such a big epiphany to me. I'm gods daughter and a daughter never wonders if they are worthy to go to their father. i was at the alter just crying about about how i so want to see my self as worthy of god and then johnny said something that hit me even harder. he said for all the people who have just always felt broken to raise their hand. that is exactly how i have always felt, i just always described my self as broken. most of the time i didn't even know why i felt so broken but the pain of it would turn me inside out and bring me to my knees. i still dont know why i feel broken (and yes i say feel present tense) but i am now continually praying that god will make me feel whole. that was an awesome night. and both nights god just pushed the point that i should be searching after him, that some times god comes after me but other times i need to go after him. i just love god so much i hope that this feel will last and i hope that i will continue to chase after him.

jouranl entrie 9/21/09

jays comment keeps running wild through my thoughts. when i told him i wanted to go to masters commission he just straight out laughed, is the thought of me in masters that far fetched? i know him and everyone else thinks I'm a loser who wont do anything with my life who never tries hard at anything. i just don't see the point in wasting my energy on things i don't love and have passion for. i just haven't found anything i really truly love end even when i do i doubt its going to be something i can show off. i refuse to put my heart into something i don't care about. I'm tired as being seen as the worthless one or second or third best. i just want to be the best at something for once. i hate the way people view me on these things. I'm not lazy. I'm not trying to be seen as worthless. i don't know i just hate my life right now.



i still struggle with this some times. I'm not talented at singing or dancing or stuff like that. i don't have what i like to call stage-able talent. i can write, i can read (yes that's usually not seen as a talent but I'm a really good reader i mean i started reading harry potter in hmmm 2nd grade), i can write poetry, i can understand books well (books that most people have to dissect and study to figure out the meaning right way ex: scarlet letter, pride and prejudice, shakespeare), i can understand people well and have a talent of making people feel comfortable. I'm good at these things but they aren't exactly things that give me the luxury of showing off. so some times i feel like every one thinks I'm a loser. a part of me knows that people don't think that I'm a loser but a larger part of me screams that they think that and their right. mostly I'm just an insecure person so every little comment is a blow to my confidence. i just need to work on being or sure of my self and not worrying so much about every little comment.

journal entrie 8/16/09

i wish i could disappear. i wish once in a while i could just disappear off the face of the earth and float around in the nothing space between heaven and earth. i hate Ryan right now and i want honestly to just wash my hands of him, to say that's enough and move on. find a nice guy who is a christian and completely different from Ryan. I'm so tired of him, I'm tired of watching him do nothing spiritually, even if it means losing me. I'm tired of just waiting around for him to do something. I'm stuck here because of him and i hate it. i don't know if i even like him any more but i still feel like i have no choice like I'm going to be with him forever whether i like it or not. seeing how he is right now i don't want to be with him forever, i don't want to ever be with him. I'm so angry and hurt and i hate him and that i was ever with him.



OK so this was about the time when i was realizing that i didn't want to be with Ryan any more. we were broken up but both were still hoping that one day after we got our act together that we could be together again. i was trying to motivate him to grow spiritually because i needed him to actually be a spiritual leader if we were ever going to be together. he though didn't do anything, he didn't try to grow he didn't care. it made me understand that i didn't want to be with someone would didn't care enough to try. it opened my eyes to the real conditions of our relationship, it suxed. mostly for me, i was putting all i had into the relationship and from what i could tell he couldn't careless. i just remember writing this, sitting on my back porch in the pitch dark and thinking how tired i was. i wanted to disappear because i just wanted to rest.

past

so I'm gona put but some old journal entries later tonight. i figure if I'm going to do this whole letting people inside my head thing than i should do it right. i think that you should be able to see my past because even though its over its still a part of who i am. just to warn you i will put what i wrote word for word so if its completely crazy so be it. ill explain what was going through my life at the time and what i was thinking while writing it if i remember. also I'm going to put up some of my poetry (at some point probably not today). it might be awful but i kinda like it so I'm gona put it any ways.

secret message

(do i think any body will understand this? nope! but I'm gona put it any ways)

on the mouth

(that is my secret message)

secret

i hate having things that i cant talk with any body about. i rarely have things that i have to keep to my self but when i do it kills me. i have to get it out some how else i would lose it. that's usually when i reach for my journals or in this case my blog. only problem with a blog is that i cant really say something that i cant talk about because some one could see it very easily.

sensitive

back to that sensitive thing real quick, i don't like people to know I'm sensitive because i have a theory that if people did know i would get crushed. I'm definitely afraid it would get used against me.

so I'm actually a really sensitive person but most people don't know that. people that are really close to me do but for the most part people don't know. i put on this act like I'm just this really laid back person that doesn't really care about much and is never offended by anything. and yea i can take a joke, i can have fun with people and be good humoredly sarcastic. ( i don't think humoredly is a word but I'm gona use it any ways). but even though i can joke around with people and i don't take every joke seriously some stuff does get to me. usually its just little stuff, stuff that no body really remembers but i do. i take it all in and i feel the full weight of the blow. i will sit up at night and go over and over and over again what went wrong in a conversation even if the conversation was perfectly fine. i relive what they said and vow to never make the mistake again. if people ever bothered to notice they would see quite plainly the stuff that bugs me. if some one was joking around and for example said i talk to much if you paid attention you would see that from that point on i stop talking so much in front of them. i come up with these little rules for each person im around i remember what it is im not suppost to do around them. its crazy i know but i do it. i cant help it i just hate not having people like me.

different time

some times i wished i lived in a different time. maybe the 50s or 1800s when girls had less choices. yea that sounds so crazy, im a girl i should be all like yeah womens rights! lol no im werid and would like less chioces. i wish i lived in a time when my life was pretty much already planned out for me. like: you are women you become a cheerleader, you date high school football star, you get married, you have 2.5 kids, you are a stay at home mom, your a pta mom, than you die. case closed end of story. ok so maybe i wouldnt really like that in fact i would proably go crazy be a rebel that disgraces the family and wears pants instead of a dress just to piss off my parents. yea im thinken thats how it would really go considering cheerleading, football stars, 2.5 kids, and pta make me sick to my stomach. but when i just have a ton of uncertainy in my life i tend to wish i could have a lot less choices. so that i would know exactally were im going. i hate not knowing things, im the most curiuos person ever. i want to know everything, i want to know what to do and why im doing it and how its going to be done. i hate not knowing the answers to those questions. i guess life would be a lot more boring if i always knew how things would turn out but at the same time i cant stand not knowing. argggggggggg

jay

:) what to say about jay. maybe i should start out by saying hes my best friend. i can hardly remember what it was like before he was my best friend yet in all actuality it hasn't been that long. i haven't had many best friends in my life the only other one i can think of is Jessica corley and that was in elementary school. i couldn't ask for a better best friend than jay. he listens to me even though I'm freaken crazy and probably scare him out of his mind with half the stuff i say. he doesn't get annoyed when i txt him all the time or at least doesn't tell me hes annoyed lol. its kinda funny that we are best friends because we probably couldnt be more different. I'm a girl, hes a guy. I'm tall, sorry jay ur short. I'm the whitest person ever, hes mixed. i listen really only to rock, he loves rap. im more reserved, hes crazy. i cant do any sports if my life depended on it, he skates. i cant think of any more examples but honestly we couldnt be more differnet lol. mostly though jay confuses me out of my mind.

God

iv found it harder and harder lately to believe in god. not that he is there, iv seen to much to not believe that he is there. but iv found it hard to believe that he actually cares what happens to me. he has been silent of late. and yea i know every one says god doesn't move you do (and some where in the back of my mind i know that). it seems like god has abandon me mid plan. I'm crying out to god and he is sitting there silent. do you care any more god? did u ever care? were all your promises lies? you never speak to me so why should i speak to you? if you love me so much than why do you leave me like this? iv never expected things to be easy but u said you would help me through all this or did i just think you said that? maybe your just a liar like everyone else. so if you care why don't you prove it oh powerful god!

window

you know a blog isn't as free as you would think. i cant say whatever i want on here in case for some strange reason some one ever does read it. i guess the only really reason i write in it is so that if some one does stumble across it they can glimpse a small window into my mind.

that im not sure about anything

confusing

i am so confused. i find it hard to even put into words what i am thinking. im not sure about anything any more. im not sure what im feeling im not sure if its right. what does it mean when i talk to you and i feel it all the way down to my toes. im almost 100 percent sure that you have never thought of me that way. im also 100 percent sure you don't mean what u say the way im taking it. im also 100 percent sure your not as confused as me. im also 100 percent sure im crazy. im 100 percent sure it would never work. im also 100 percent sure that if any body read this it would get misconstrued. im also 100 percent sure i will never have the courage to find the answers to the questions that haunt my mind. im also 100 percent sure

theme

i want a theme to my life. lol yea that sounds werid but i want a phrase or something that i live mylife by. you know like those people that have one phrase or word or thought that they hold on to, that they repeat every day and draw strenght from. i wish i had a phrase like that.

depression is possibly the worst feeling ever. It holds on to you and chocks you and keeps you right where it wants you. I can not describe the utter hopelessness that depression holds. the best way i could describe is swimming. that moment when u have just dived down to the bottom on the pool and u start to swim back to the surface and your running out of air. your so close to the surface yet you feel like you are never going to make, the water is pushing down on you and the sunlight above the surface glimmers just out of reach. depression is like being forever stuck in that moment. i don't know if depression ever leaves you, yes i think you can get out of a depression but i don't know if you will ever go through your life without having moments of depression. even though my hard core period of depression is long gone there are still moments where i feel it as strongly as if i was right in the middle of it. moments when i am crippled by the feeling of utter worthlessness, some times its hard to look in the mirror without being sick to my stomach. yet i know out of all the hard times iv had iv only felt a shadow of what others have felt. that makes me feel pathetic and amazingly hopeful at the same time. i feel pathetic because i feel like i should be able to feel joy in my life especially compared to what others lives have been like. it makes me realise that my life is not so terrible and that i should stop my stupid whinnying. it also makes me feel hopeful though, to know that others have made it out of this and have amazing beautiful lives and that one day i can to. it also makes me hopeful for others that are going through this, others that i know i will be brought into contact with and that it will be my job to help. it gives me hope that i can find some way to reach them. it also makes me realise that im not alone and there is nothing in this world that some one else hasn't already felt.

the start

so im not really sure how this whole blog thing works. do i just write and post and its out there for the whole world to see? can people comment on my writing if they want? im not really sure who would want to read my random thoughts any ways. well i hope who ever does wander onto this will at least find it interesting lol.